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(TODAY! A GUEST ENTRY WRITTEN BY BEN!

It is from the perspective of the lady working the cashiers desk at the Tops, right before I murdered everything. Enjoy!)

Jesus Christ, Sandy, you would not believe the day I just had.  Uuuugh, I need a drink.  Do we have any of that Jake Juice left?  Oh, you bitch.  Okay, we have vodka.  I am going to drink this whole bottle, I swear to gawd.

Okay.  So.  The day started out normal.  I had Swank chasing me around the pit for ten minutes after I walked in the door, but that’s Swank for ya.  Nothing out of the ordinary.  But two hours into my shift, and I remember exactly, because I was about to go on break, two hours in, this crazy lookin’ lady walks up to my window.  Crazy lookin’, like wild-eyed, blue hair, scar-that-looked-like-someone-shot-her-in-the-head crazy lookin’.  Oh, and with her, is this freaky-ass dog that I swear to gawd is like half robot, I mean I could see its brains and shit it was disgusting!  No, it had like a glass jar for the top of its head, with like lights shining in.  I almost puked when I saw it.  And then behind her is some other person, i think it was a chick, but she was wearing this armor like in those old holos we used to watch down in Vault 21 when we were kids, remember?  Like that, it was the craziest damn thing I’ve ever seen.

Soo this crazy-ass lady walks up to my window, and she tells me she wants some chips.  I’m like sure thing, crazy, how many?  And she slides me a $100 NCR note.  So I count out 40 chips and slide them across to her.  I ask if she needs anything else, and she looks me right in the eye, straight face, and tells me that she wants some chips, and slides across another $100 bill.  So I count out another 40 chips, and I slide them across the counter again, and she shovels them into her weird person sack of crap.  I ask her again, if she needs anything else.  And she tells me–yeah, she tells me that she would like some more chips.  And she slides another $100 bill to me.

I swear to gawd, this WENT ON.  Like, four more times.  Finally, she runs out of $100 bills, so she switches to twenties!  No, I’m not even joking!  For like fifteen minutes, we’re there, she’ll slide a twenty to me, I count out 8 chips, ask her if she’d like anything else, and we’d start all over again!  I thought it was some kinda performance art or somthin’, like she wasn’t gonna stop until I quit askin’ her if she wanted anything else or somethin’!  Or maybe like this was some kinda test, like maybe they were pushing me to see if I’d crack, and I had to stay polite to this lunatic lady or I’d get fired.  And I ain’t gettin’ fired, I’m not going back to Gomorrah.

Then, after a while with the twenties, it’s like she got bored or somethin’, and started giving me other stuff, like NCR 5’s, and Legion shit.  Shit, Sandy, she even had some of those, whaddaya call ’em, Areolas?  The gold ones, the ones that are worth like a hundred caps?  She had a bunch of those, and I don’t think I’ve ever even seen more than one of them in the same place at once before!  I don’t know if she and armor-chick were knocking off Legionaries or jerking them off, and I don’t think I want to know.

Finally, after another ten or fifteen minutes of this crazy chick exchanging one coin at a time for chips, she finally just decides she’s done.  And I mean, I snuck a peek in that big sack she was pulling all this money out of, she had PLENTY more crumpled up in there.  I don’t know if this was some crazy…  I can’t think of anything!  Just, look, Sandy, you have to promise me that if I save up all my money some day, and dye my hair blue, and make you put on a big-ass suit of armor to come to the casino with me, I need you to slap me as hard as you can with your big metal hand.

No, like from the armor.

No, Sandy, I know you don’t have metal hands.  Jesus, Sandy.

Anyway, this crazy chick decides she’s done, and turns to leave, and I’m like “Thank.  Gawd.”  But before I can grab my “Next register please” sign so I can take my break, I blink and suddenly she’s BACK.  Looking at me.  And it’s like a reflex by now, I just blurted out, “Welcome to the Tops, how can I help you.”  I know, like, “Welcome?”  What?  Like I didn’t just spend the past forty minutes dealing with your crazy ass?

So I ask her how I can help her, and she looks me right in the eye again, same crazy straight face, and she says to me.

“I’d like to turn in my chips.”

Not one game!  Nothing!  Not one spin of the slots, not one hand of blackjack, not one spin of the roulette wheel!  She didn’t get more than ten feet from the window!  I’ll tell you this, robot dog or no, she is damn lucky they reinforce both sides of that screen, because I was ready to wring her neck.

Thankfully she just dumped all ten-thousand-odd chips out of her big crazy person sack at once, instead of doing it one stupid chip at a time.

I swear, first thing Monday, I’m tellin’ Swank i want off the night shift.

With Yes Man all set up at the Tops and all the factions taken care of, it was almost time to head to the dam. But I wanted to take care of a few things first, go buy a bunch of ammo (because why not) and turn in all this NCR and Legion money for actual money. 

I had uh…a lot of NCR and Legion money so this took a while. In fact, I quit after like several minutes of exchanging stuff and still had something like 96 $5 NCR bills and made 3000 caps just exchanging money. 

I went back to my room, and swapped out a few guns that I didn’t think would be particularly necessary and then back to Yes Man to let him know I was ready to head out. 

At the dam, I checked to make sure V-Ron and Rex were still with me then turned to suddenly one of those big fucking guns just fucking explode.

WHAT THE FUCK

I start walking towards it only to have Legion asshole after Legion asshole run towards me. I was super drunk, and switching my gun out for a different gun approximately every 3 kills. A big group of guys? Grenade Launcher! A bunch all spread out? Hunting Rifle! Wait no Sniper Rifle. WAIT NO TRAIL CARBINE RIFLE. AAAAH. 

That guy is far away! Rex go get him!

GOOD DOGGY! YOU ARE THE BEST DOGGY! Muahahahaahaha!

Oh god a plane? It’s the fucking Boomers! YES! FUCK YES! 

It’s a good thing Rex and V-Ron and stuff were helping because man, I was super distracted by everything. V-Ron knocked a guy off the dam and I ran over and laughed at him as he fell. 

I head into the dam where a couple NCR guards are blocking a control room. I tell them that someone is in trouble and they gotta go help and it’s cool, I’ll watch the door. They take off running and I laugh at them and go inside the room. There I insert the override chip and activate the Securitron Army. Inside the dam I also find a bowl of noodles, grab a handful to shove in my mouth, and head back towards the surface.

Back outside, I see the Fort up in flames, and robots shooting guys for me. We start making our way towards Legate’s camp where outside a guard is standing around. I have my anti-materiel rifle out so I shoot the little lad and watch him start on fire. As he runs in a circle, Rex suddenly tears off towards him and puts the finishing touches on him. He runs back over to me and I check his health.

Completely full.

In the Legate’s camp are more Legion who were mostly pretty easy, then the Legate himself. He threatened to nail me to side of the dam, which honestly part of me wondered how he intended to do that, but it doesn’t matter because I just gave him a “f’real playa?” and started shooting and soon enough he was dead.

Back at the gate to the camp, the NCR started acting like they wanted to start shit, but…uuuuh, there’s a huge army of robots there guys. Plus, I’m so drunk I’m liable to do anything, honestly. I was tempted to start a fight just because…because I wanted to shoot things more, but I convinced the NCR to just piss off instead.

And then, that was that, I guess. The end credits didn’t say anything about how drunk I got or how many things I knocked over in the rest of my life. But it had to be a lot.

…

I just realized I never did anything with all that gold I had.

FUCK. 

I’ve finally decided that I maybe I need to start wrapping stuff up and taking care of this Hoover Dam stuff. I decided long ago to work towards an independent New Vegas with Yes Man because absolutely everyone else I could side with had upset me in some way. My first step towards this plan was to finally go kill Mr. House.

Now, I didn’t think this would be easy. Dude has a lot of security robots up there and those fuckers are armed with missile launchers and have armor and all kinds of stuff. I decide to arm myself to the fucking teeth.

Fat Man
Tesla-Beaton Prototype
Missile Launcher (Annabelle)
Grenade Launcher (Thump-Thump)
The All-American
Alien Blaster
Anti-Materiel Rifle
Sniper Rifle
Hunting Rifle
Trail Carbine Rifle
Riot Shotgun
Hunting Revolver
Maria
4 Pulse Mines
and 22 Pulse Grenades.

As it turns out, I can just run past though robots though, and right to House, where I don’t really need a whole lot to murder him. Huh. Guess I got all my big guns out for nothing. Oh well. Time to go see Yes Man at the Tops!

First I gotta knock some of these books of House’s shelf though….

Okay! To the Tops!

I walk in and am immediately greeted by one of the workers. Oh yeah, my guns that’s ri….

uuuh..

heh heh.

I am still carrying that huge pile of guns.

You guys put these in a safe right? Is it a big one? This is…I have a lot of stuff. Oh boy.

This is awkward.

Today I finally went to Vault 11. Rex was way enthusiastic about mauling those rats and mantises (mantisese?) and I was enthusiastic about throwing things on the floor. I eventually come to find that the vault would once a year send someone to die in a sacrifice to keep the vault from killing them. You access the overseer’s computer and take a tunnel under their desk to walk off and die. 

Naturally, I decide I need to try this.

Of course this where part of me thinks, god, I must be just a goddamn idiot. “PLEASE WALK DOWN THIS TUNNEL EXPLICITLY FOR THE PURPOSE OF DYING.” Yeah sure why not.

The real problem is that my constant state of drunkeness combined with all of my guns and stimpaks just makes me feel invulnerable. It’s why I often leap from cliffs that are actually too high to leap off, and why I don’t bother looking around for potential threats like…ever. I just walk into them. Oh whoops excuse me, bang bang bang. It’s almost weird that I prefer my sniper rifle over something like a baseball bat or bludgeoning club sort of thing. 

So I walk down this hallway, watch a little movie and then oh shit robots are trying to kill me. GOOD LORD ARE THEY EVER. “Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow,” I say as bullet after bullet is fired upon me. What the fuck man. 

I manage to kill them all and then stand there for a second, angry. JEESH. You were killing these sad little vault dwellers with like 5 goddamn robots and two turrets. Is that seriously necessary? Where’s the robot for cleaning all this fucking mess up? I think ONE of these robots could’ve handled some pathetic little unarmed vaulty. FUCK. I checked a room to the side and found some recordings of what happened in the vault. LIKE I CARE. Then checked all the robots and boxes for anything useful. Of course there was nothing I wanted in the room, so I angrily left, angrily stomped up the stairs, and angrily marched back outside. 

You suck, Vault. 

I now had all the stuff I needed to give to the Brotherhood of Steel guys, but man, giving it to them will probably just result in sending me on OTHER errands, so I decided to just wander the wasteland for a bit. Do my own thing, be my own person. All the women, independent, and all that. I knocked back a whiskey and swam to a scavenger platform in the middle of a lake. It was full of lakelurks that I killed and then dragged their bodies into the water. Gotta keep this platform clean. 

Then, I started throwing other stuff in the water, because I cannot help myself ever. It started with little things: bottles, plates, pots, the like. Eventually I ended up at tires and barrels being flung into the water. 

Then I found a stack of books and started throwing them in too, yelling “FISH! HERE IS A BOOK, FISH! LEARN TO READ, FISH! EDUCATE YOURSELF, FISH!” 

I checked.

And those fish were doing none of those things. 

Goddammit, fish.

Ugh, okay, what’s been going on. I found some irradiated whiskey in Camp Searchlight. I pondered taking it for some time, because of its status as “irradiated.” It occurred me that every goddamn thing I touch is irradiated and that for something to be actually marked as such at this point, then the irradiation must be at motherfuck you levels that require caution beyond my usual apprehensiveness (usually none.) Then the part of me that loves whiskey kicked in and I grabbed every bottle I could. And the scotch too. Gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme. And this irradiated Cram, because I might as well. 

Then, since V-Ron’s been following me around wearing my vintage armor (GODDAMMIT), I finally decided to go handle some of this shit with the Brotherhood of Steel. Well guess who needs some fucking errands run. Go check on this squad, go check on that squad. They’re all DEAD.

Oh and I had to go to that one Repconn building. With all the robots hovering around asking me if I need anything. Not that I could tell them if I DID. They just hover there.

TELL ME A JOKE ROBOT! MY OLD ROBOT TOLD ME JOKES. WHERE ARE ALL MY FREE JOKES? WHERE IS MY PURIFIED WATER? MY HAIRCUTS? WHY DO YOU ASK ME IF I NEED SOMETHING WHEN YOU WILL NOT PROVIDE EVEN IF I DID?

Anyway, then go check this guy, go talk to that guy. What the fuck ever. Now will you pretty please go to some Vaults and get some stufffff for us? 

They need their filtration system fixed and thankfully I already picked up one of the parts when I was in Vault 34. I look and see that another part is in Vault 3 and that I had missed while killing all those fiends. So, back there I go.

Inside, I discovered the most wonderful thing. I missed not just those parts. But an entire WING of the vault. Hurray! I go inside and make with the murdering and uh, more murdering. And then I found a room ripe for throwing stuff around and making a mess. There were three boxes of billiard balls, two shelves of pool cues, a box of baseballs. All of which ended up on the floor, very quickly.

Then I tried to see how many of those boxes I could stack up. I got 5 in big stack, went for a 6th and the stack fell over. I yelled JENGA! and left the vault.

Afterwards I didn’t really want to go after the third thing, so I drank a bunch of whiskey and meandered a bit. I found a barn with an ant mound in it, and then discovered I could go INSIDE the ant mound. Well I almost threw up right there. That is fucking disgusting. Why did I do this, why did crawl inside an goddamn ant mound? Oh god I think their weird little webby shit is in my hair. *BLLLEEEEAAAAAAAAGHHHHHH*

Inside, I found a bunch of ants and an ant queen and I killed all of them even though I was the one breaking into their home and they really didn’t have much I want. THEY DESERVED DEATH.

FOR BEING SO DISGUSTING.

You dumb wastelanders. You’re so dumb. So. So. Dumb.

When I agree to help you, right? Please, graciously accept my help. I know, I look crazy. I’m wearing a space suit and I have bright blue hair and now I’m wearing these glasses even though I don’t need them. But I was helpful and before you tried to kill me, you saw me murder in TWO SHOTS, a goddamn queen radscorpion. The thing was the size of a truck. And I absolutely destroyed it.

So, when you say to me thanks for your help, but I’m gonna kill you now…there’s no panic in me. There’s no fear. I just sigh. I roll my eyes, I pull out one of my favorite guns, and I shoot you. And then I take all your stuff. You should’ve just let it be, goddammit. 

I mean seriously.

I wandered around the Wastes for a bit until a golden gecko came at me. I shot it and its head went flying off. Then I decided, I’m not really sure why, to carry the head around out in front me. I yelled “I AM WOMAN WITH THE HEAD OF A GECKO. FEAR ME. I AM A FREAK OF NATURE. I AM NOT OF YOUR KIND. I SEEK ONLY TO DESTROY! ARRRRRARRRRARRRRARARARARGHHHHH!”

I finally decided to drop it but as soon as I did, Rex suddenly killed another gecko, so I decided it was a lucky gecko head and picked it back up. This time I carried it around with one hand, shooting at it with the other and screaming more crazy stuff. Suddenly I dropped it on accident and turned to pick it up when HO LORD A DEATHCLAW. I pulled out a bigger gun and shot at it. I got really excited for a second and ran over to it. Oh man, I thought, I’m gonna carry around a deathclaw head now instead. Unfortunately the deathclaw head was completely destroyed in the murdering, so I shot the body too and it burst into a mabillion pieces. 

Later in Freeside, I took a garbage can and kicked it like 6 blocks. Then realized I could pick it up. Then uh, then I accidentally dropped it on my face. It hurt a little. 

I took the garbage can then and stacked it on top of another garbage can. I felt very satisfied with myself. Like an artist. A sculptor. I stood on a car next to the cans then shot the cans over and yelled out to Freeside:

WORSHIP ME! I AM THE CREATOR AND THE DESTROYER! YOU SHALL ALL LIVE AND DIE BY MY HAND!

Then a King ran over and thanked me for helping out and gave me 17 caps. 

Uh, heh, thanks. 

Having reacquainted myself with the Wasteland and reacquired my buddies and taken a moment to sleep with a prostitute and also taken some time to just fucking sleep, I decided that those fiends in Vault 3 had gotten a free pass from me for long enough. Plus my guns were in need of some exercise and I knew there were enough dudes down there for everyone to get a turn at some murdering. 

Before even entering the Vault, there were fiends outside trying to kill me. Hahaha, how quaint. I decided to let the hunting revolver (Revvy) go first and popped their heads off. Wooo! 

All right, to the Vault. I walked to the door and was reminded that, hey, you need to push a different button to open it. Fuckin…

I walk over the precious little button and push it. Inside it is fucking dark and I don’t see any fiends immediately. I turn on my light, and oh jesus there’s one right in front of me. Saying shit to me. Wha…Oh yeah! These fiends like me and for some reason don’t ever seem to notice me killing all those other fiends outside. I nod politely then turn around, open my Pimp Boy and check through all my guns. I find one, turn back around and BAM B-oh she’s dead. 

Ooooh fuck there were like three other fiends in this room.

I should really scout this shit out better.

Actually, never goddamn fucking mind because Veronica and Rex killed them already.

YOU GUYS. GODDAMMIT. WE’RE ON THIS MURDERING TRIP FOR MY GUNS. 

In the next area, I see some more fiends who for the moment, are not upset with. The fiends apparently have poor communications. I grab my shotgun Dinner Bell (Din Din for short, Rin Din Din if I’m feeling kooky), and go to town. 

I start searching through all their stuff, but seriously these guys have like the shittiest little pistols. It’s not even worth it to me to carry them out and sell them. Ooh but what’s this! A kitchen! And where there’s a kitchen, there’s refrigerators, and where there’s a refrigerator…there’s usually booze. 

And good lord, so much fucking Cram. (We be making Caravan Lunches late fo’ sho’)

Further into the Vault, I find living quarters where some fiends are sleeping and others look like they’re sleeping but appear to actually be dead. Because I guess they overdosed. Thankfully they all left their massive stashes behind. 

In one room was a cage with a bunch of prisoners in it. This…looked familiar. Oh…shit. I remembered now that when I was in the Vault before, I saw these guys and uh, jesus, I told them I would save them. Oh god that must’ve been months ago. Uh heh heh, hey guys. What’s up? You still wanna someone to save ya, yeah, I…I thought that might be the case. 

I find a key on a fiend I killed and run back to their cage. I unlock and apologize as they leave. Sorry, sorry…sorry that took so long. It…it didn’t show up as a quest guys, I don’t have the best attention span, I drink a lot. I’m really sorry. Here, please take this Dino Toy. On the house.

The Vault has a lot of crazy graffiti on the walls including one spot where it just said “duh.” As I admired their creativity (and wished I had spray paint so I could write “u suck” under it), another fiend come up behind me and started shooting. 

OH NO. FUCK YOU.

I reach in to my bag o’ guns and pull out Maria. She makes me feel special, and vengeful. I pop the fiend in the face and then walked over and just shot at their corpse a bit. 

I wandered around the Vault a bit longer, knocking things off shelves and trashing their little coffee pot area. And then decided I was ready to head back home.

In my apartment, I realized it had been ages since I jumped on the bed. So I did that for…oh, a while. Probably too long. 

Then I wandered around, just being happy with my place. I put all the pool balls in pockets. I carried a bunch of stuff from other rooms and dropped them in my bath tub. I used my plunger on the toilet for a while, giggling at it until finally putting the plunger in the bathtub too.