His Name Was Just Paulson

After conversing with all my new friends, I ask Sally what I’m supposed to do now because I was completely not paying attention when she told me earlier. And uh, maybe a little drunk. Okay really drunk. I’m still drunk now but maybe she could just look at this map on my Pipboy and point me in the right direction. I need someone to pin a note to my shirt, seriously.

There are apparently three generators that I need to destroy. The first is in the cryo labs, and this little soldier guy, uh Eliot, will go help me. Everyone else will wait here and twiddle their thumbs I guess. Oh Sally is gonna sit in this chair and hold this mini-nuke. Wait Sally. I need that.

I’ve got…14 bottles of whiskey to get me through this ordeal, so Eliot and I head to the cryo labs where I start just pushing any button I can. I find some controls that seem to unfreeze people in the cryo tubes, and apparently the aliens have spent a lot of time capturing and freezing raiders and feral ghouls.


Unfreezing them causes them to attack me, which I can understand from the feral ghoul, but you’d think the raider would be a little more concerned with just getting back to Earth. Maybe they could show me some fucking gratitude for saving them. But no, so I have to shoot them.

Eventually we come to a room with two dead soldiers in it that Eliot recognizes. I hit the first button I see and all of a sudden two pods are unfrozen and out pop two more of his friends. And they are apparently crazy now, because they won’t stop hitting each other. Or me. So now I have to kill them, and then Eliot runs over and yells at me, saying we could’ve saved them! Ummm….fuck. Really? Fuck. Uh. You want some whiskey? No wait, wine. You can have this wine.

We finally find the generator after I’ve unfrozen everything I could. Most of which subsequently had to be shot. Whoops. We blow the thing up and go back to the engineering core where the rest of the people are waiting for us, except for the Samurai. I uh, don’t know where he went. Hmm. I’m sure he’s fine.

Next me and Somah go to the robot assembly area. She quickly goes into a teleporter where I can’t follow but says we’ll meet up again later, haha! What? Also she says I should look out for some schematics or some “gizmos.” Lady, everything on this goddamn spaceship looks like a gizmo, maybe be a little more specific!

I blast my way through some robots and aliens and search one of them to find a robot control device thing. HEY SWEET! A GIZMO! I start activating robots to be in my robot army, but find I can only activate one at a time. Curses. I find some stairs and there’s Somah waiting for me. We blast through the assembly line and quickly find a generator to blow up. I pause for a moment, to knock things off of shelves.

Back in engineering, I just need to take this cowboy guy with me to the hangar and then I guess find Sally again because I forget the rest of the plan. Or how this even fits in with the plan. Uuuuugh need whiskey.

Cowboy, uh…Paulson and I head to the hangar where there is a broken spaceship hovering  in the middle of the room and a bunch of big metal spikes all around giving off big ol’ jolts of something or other. He suggests we head “up there” and I look at all the various places that are above me, wondering which there he means. I try to just ignore his advice and head towards where there’s aliens to kill, and hey, I still have one of these robot buddies following me around!

I kill a couple aliens, then hit a control to bring down a barrier to a hallway. Up the adjoining stairs is another alien that I kill, and the controls to those metal spikey things. I activate all of them a few times until Paulson yells at me for wasting time. I glare at him.

No one tells me to stop wasting time.

I hit all the buttons again.

In the back of the room is another control to open a barrier into the room with the generator. I push it. Alarms start going off.

Ummmmmmmmm not cool?

Paulson yells at me and I rush over to the spike controls. A fuck ton of aliens are coming out of the doors near them, presumably to kill me because THIS generator has an alarm and actual protection on it, I guess. I start hitting any button I can see and the spikes blast all the aliens near them. I keep pushing buttons and in the ruckus, Paulson gets his idiot self killed. Fuck, dude! Look, even the ROBOT is still alive.

Finally the waves of aliens stop coming and the barrier goes down to the generator. I head inside and destroy it and hurry back to engineering.

Sally says I need to do a “space walk” now.

No Sally.


I need to drink now.

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Wasted in the Spaceland

Somah and I are looking for somewhere to go that’s not the same 25 foot hallway of spaceship when I hear a voice coming from one of the cells asking for help. Another prisoner!


it’s a kid.


I sigh and start talking to her. What do you want? Help you out? Shut off some stuff? Ugh, yeah, I guess. Then she tells me that she knows her way around because she gets out of her cell all the time and wanders the ship until the aliens catch her and put her back in her cell. But you need my help to escape? Whatever.

I hate you, child-thing.

The three of us head down a hallway fighting alie-wait. It’s just me fighting them. Oh they’re gonna hang back while the drunk chick with all the guns clears out all the bad guys. Fine. YOU’RE WELCOME. I hope you know it’s gonna take a while! These aliens have a lot of shelves, and these shelves have a lot of things on them I can knock on the floor. 

These aliens, for being scrawny and annoying, seem to have some really sturdy faces. I keep switching between guns trying to figure out which one destroys them the best, while chucking the occasional nuka-grenade at them as well, and knocking back more whiskey when I get a free moment, and fear I might be getting close to sober. There’s a couple of alien workers and I shoot them too, but then the little girl tells me not to because the workers won’t hurt me.

Awww, what?

But their heads up popped off really easily!  I really liked shooting them! Dang it.

I’m not doing a very good job paying attention to this kid or where she wants me to go, and am instead just pressing on in whatever directions there are things to kill. I find some alien food, but it’s gross looking so uh, no thanks. I think I have a few cans of Cram on me instead. 

After some shooting, the little kid meets back up with and tells me we need to get to the top of the ship, but can’t because the aliens are aware of our escape and constant murdering of them. I don’t really know what the kid’s plan actually is, just that it involves the top of the ship and then later it involves a spacesuit and going outside and what? A big boss alien guy? 

Look. Little girl. I’m gonna drink my whiskey. You point me and what needs to be shot or blown up and I’ll do it. I don’t need a novel about this plan. 

Ain’t no way I’ll remember it anyways.

We eventually make it to a bunch of cryopods where I unfreeze a soldier, a cowboy, and a samurai. 

Is this a dollar store action figure set, what the hell? 

The samurai doesn’t speak English, and I can tell that no one is gonna know anything about this guy because even if they had ever spoken to each other before this, no one else here speaks the same language as him. But, I ask all of them anyways. 

“Hey you know what the deal is with this guy?”

Maybe I’m just trying to make conversation. Hey, so, how about this spaceship? how about that samurai? Do you like whiskey too? Uh…n-no I don’t have any on me. Yes I know I smell like it. WHAT’S WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS SUDDENLY. You’re boring, I’m gonna talk to that samurai. 

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Clothesing Time

Hey there folks! It’s me, Reddy S. Gogh, here with drunken news from the Capital Wasteland. 

The other day, me and my mutie pal Fawkes noticed that sitting around our house is 160 Nuka-Grenades and something needed to be done with them. I grabbed as many as I could pile on my person and we went a-wandering for things to kill. We found some Overlords and some Raiders and left behind us a trail of fire and death and empty whiskey bottles. 

Then I got stuck in a rock for a few minutes. 

I finally got out and we found a couple albino radscorpions and a deathclaw and then what the…

A spaceship?

Wow sure is radioactive down here. I’m gonna look around for stuff to whoa hey what the fuck

A blue light surrounded me and suddenly I couldn’t do anything. Fawkes! Faaaawwkes! Take care of Dogmeat for me! 




I black out for a bit and wake up with fucking aliens hovering over me! And some weird probe-y shit coming at me. Oh god what the fuck. Not the butt, not the butt….

I cringe as the close in, and then black out once more.

I wake up again later in a room with this lady, Somah. I try to ask her what’s going on but most of what she tells me I already know: aliens, nothing else. Then…then she says they took all my clothes. Ummm, what?

I look down. 

Oh for fuck’s sake! I’m in my undies! My armor! My hat! My lucky shades!

Goddammit, I could use a dri-oh yeah, they took all my booze too. Motherfuckers. Where the fuck is all my shit! I had good shit! Give me all my grenades back! I angrily stomp around this tiny room for a bit, while Somah cooks up some retarded escape plan. Then she yells something like “it’s coming! Get up against the wall!” 

So I run to one corner of the room and stand there, confused, while I hear some metal grinding and then a guy screaming and then some other weird noises. I ask Somah what that was. 

“Haven’t you ever seen a guy picked up by a giant metal claw before!?”

Um, no. And I still haven’t because you told me to hide. So I did. I didn’t stand there and watch it. Is that what YOU did? I THOUGHT WE WERE HIDING! I wanted to see it! Make it come back! Goddamn you woman!

She says that we should pretend to fight so the aliens will come break us up and then we can jump them and escape. Ah yes, let’s…pretend to fight. Somah puts up her dukes and takes a swing at me and I excitedly punch her in the head several times until aliens show up and I punch them to death with my fists! It felt good, but deep down I was missing me guns. I grab one of the batons the aliens were using and head to the next room. 

Pants. If I can just get a pair of damn pants. And the presumed shoes that would be attached to them. It’s just…these short things I have on are so breezy. 

More aliens run at me and I scream and kill them! ARRRARRRGH! Leave me alone! I WANT CLOTHES!

As I run around the spaceship with Somah, who seriously has on like four shirts she can’t even bother to share with me, I finally find some weird alien container that I thankfully figure out how to open. And inside is all of my stuff! My stuff! Precious stuff! I dig it all out and hug each gun, and every bullet, and every grenade, and every bottle of whiskey while Somah tells me to hurry some more. Shut up women, don’t interrupt this tearful reunion. You’re not my friend! WHISKEY IS! WHISKEY IS!

I drink a bunch of whiskey and pass out and wake up in that room again. 

Hahah, no, we keep escaping. 

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Gosh Sandy, What’s Your Last Name


It is from the perspective of the lady working the cashiers desk at the Tops, right before I murdered everything. Enjoy!)

Jesus Christ, Sandy, you would not believe the day I just had.  Uuuugh, I need a drink.  Do we have any of that Jake Juice left?  Oh, you bitch.  Okay, we have vodka.  I am going to drink this whole bottle, I swear to gawd.

Okay.  So.  The day started out normal.  I had Swank chasing me around the pit for ten minutes after I walked in the door, but that’s Swank for ya.  Nothing out of the ordinary.  But two hours into my shift, and I remember exactly, because I was about to go on break, two hours in, this crazy lookin’ lady walks up to my window.  Crazy lookin’, like wild-eyed, blue hair, scar-that-looked-like-someone-shot-her-in-the-head crazy lookin’.  Oh, and with her, is this freaky-ass dog that I swear to gawd is like half robot, I mean I could see its brains and shit it was disgusting!  No, it had like a glass jar for the top of its head, with like lights shining in.  I almost puked when I saw it.  And then behind her is some other person, i think it was a chick, but she was wearing this armor like in those old holos we used to watch down in Vault 21 when we were kids, remember?  Like that, it was the craziest damn thing I’ve ever seen.

Soo this crazy-ass lady walks up to my window, and she tells me she wants some chips.  I’m like sure thing, crazy, how many?  And she slides me a $100 NCR note.  So I count out 40 chips and slide them across to her.  I ask if she needs anything else, and she looks me right in the eye, straight face, and tells me that she wants some chips, and slides across another $100 bill.  So I count out another 40 chips, and I slide them across the counter again, and she shovels them into her weird person sack of crap.  I ask her again, if she needs anything else.  And she tells me–yeah, she tells me that she would like some more chips.  And she slides another $100 bill to me.

I swear to gawd, this WENT ON.  Like, four more times.  Finally, she runs out of $100 bills, so she switches to twenties!  No, I’m not even joking!  For like fifteen minutes, we’re there, she’ll slide a twenty to me, I count out 8 chips, ask her if she’d like anything else, and we’d start all over again!  I thought it was some kinda performance art or somthin’, like she wasn’t gonna stop until I quit askin’ her if she wanted anything else or somethin’!  Or maybe like this was some kinda test, like maybe they were pushing me to see if I’d crack, and I had to stay polite to this lunatic lady or I’d get fired.  And I ain’t gettin’ fired, I’m not going back to Gomorrah.

Then, after a while with the twenties, it’s like she got bored or somethin’, and started giving me other stuff, like NCR 5’s, and Legion shit.  Shit, Sandy, she even had some of those, whaddaya call ’em, Areolas?  The gold ones, the ones that are worth like a hundred caps?  She had a bunch of those, and I don’t think I’ve ever even seen more than one of them in the same place at once before!  I don’t know if she and armor-chick were knocking off Legionaries or jerking them off, and I don’t think I want to know.

Finally, after another ten or fifteen minutes of this crazy chick exchanging one coin at a time for chips, she finally just decides she’s done.  And I mean, I snuck a peek in that big sack she was pulling all this money out of, she had PLENTY more crumpled up in there.  I don’t know if this was some crazy…  I can’t think of anything!  Just, look, Sandy, you have to promise me that if I save up all my money some day, and dye my hair blue, and make you put on a big-ass suit of armor to come to the casino with me, I need you to slap me as hard as you can with your big metal hand.

No, like from the armor.

No, Sandy, I know you don’t have metal hands.  Jesus, Sandy.

Anyway, this crazy chick decides she’s done, and turns to leave, and I’m like “Thank.  Gawd.”  But before I can grab my “Next register please” sign so I can take my break, I blink and suddenly she’s BACK.  Looking at me.  And it’s like a reflex by now, I just blurted out, “Welcome to the Tops, how can I help you.”  I know, like, “Welcome?”  What?  Like I didn’t just spend the past forty minutes dealing with your crazy ass?

So I ask her how I can help her, and she looks me right in the eye again, same crazy straight face, and she says to me.

“I’d like to turn in my chips.”

Not one game!  Nothing!  Not one spin of the slots, not one hand of blackjack, not one spin of the roulette wheel!  She didn’t get more than ten feet from the window!  I’ll tell you this, robot dog or no, she is damn lucky they reinforce both sides of that screen, because I was ready to wring her neck.

Thankfully she just dumped all ten-thousand-odd chips out of her big crazy person sack at once, instead of doing it one stupid chip at a time.

I swear, first thing Monday, I’m tellin’ Swank i want off the night shift.

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Someone’s Gonna Be A Very Happy Mailbox Looter.

With Yes Man all set up at the Tops and all the factions taken care of, it was almost time to head to the dam. But I wanted to take care of a few things first, go buy a bunch of ammo (because why not) and turn in all this NCR and Legion money for actual money. 

I had uh…a lot of NCR and Legion money so this took a while. In fact, I quit after like several minutes of exchanging stuff and still had something like 96 $5 NCR bills and made 3000 caps just exchanging money. 

I went back to my room, and swapped out a few guns that I didn’t think would be particularly necessary and then back to Yes Man to let him know I was ready to head out. 

At the dam, I checked to make sure V-Ron and Rex were still with me then turned to suddenly one of those big fucking guns just fucking explode.


I start walking towards it only to have Legion asshole after Legion asshole run towards me. I was super drunk, and switching my gun out for a different gun approximately every 3 kills. A big group of guys? Grenade Launcher! A bunch all spread out? Hunting Rifle! Wait no Sniper Rifle. WAIT NO TRAIL CARBINE RIFLE. AAAAH. 

That guy is far away! Rex go get him!


Oh god a plane? It’s the fucking Boomers! YES! FUCK YES! 

It’s a good thing Rex and V-Ron and stuff were helping because man, I was super distracted by everything. V-Ron knocked a guy off the dam and I ran over and laughed at him as he fell. 

I head into the dam where a couple NCR guards are blocking a control room. I tell them that someone is in trouble and they gotta go help and it’s cool, I’ll watch the door. They take off running and I laugh at them and go inside the room. There I insert the override chip and activate the Securitron Army. Inside the dam I also find a bowl of noodles, grab a handful to shove in my mouth, and head back towards the surface.

Back outside, I see the Fort up in flames, and robots shooting guys for me. We start making our way towards Legate’s camp where outside a guard is standing around. I have my anti-materiel rifle out so I shoot the little lad and watch him start on fire. As he runs in a circle, Rex suddenly tears off towards him and puts the finishing touches on him. He runs back over to me and I check his health.

Completely full.

In the Legate’s camp are more Legion who were mostly pretty easy, then the Legate himself. He threatened to nail me to side of the dam, which honestly part of me wondered how he intended to do that, but it doesn’t matter because I just gave him a “f’real playa?” and started shooting and soon enough he was dead.

Back at the gate to the camp, the NCR started acting like they wanted to start shit, but…uuuuh, there’s a huge army of robots there guys. Plus, I’m so drunk I’m liable to do anything, honestly. I was tempted to start a fight just because…because I wanted to shoot things more, but I convinced the NCR to just piss off instead.

And then, that was that, I guess. The end credits didn’t say anything about how drunk I got or how many things I knocked over in the rest of my life. But it had to be a lot.

I just realized I never did anything with all that gold I had.


Posted in Fallout: New Vegas | 2 Comments

Disarmed is Dismayed.

I’ve finally decided that I maybe I need to start wrapping stuff up and taking care of this Hoover Dam stuff. I decided long ago to work towards an independent New Vegas with Yes Man because absolutely everyone else I could side with had upset me in some way. My first step towards this plan was to finally go kill Mr. House.

Now, I didn’t think this would be easy. Dude has a lot of security robots up there and those fuckers are armed with missile launchers and have armor and all kinds of stuff. I decide to arm myself to the fucking teeth.

Fat Man
Tesla-Beaton Prototype
Missile Launcher (Annabelle)
Grenade Launcher (Thump-Thump)
The All-American
Alien Blaster
Anti-Materiel Rifle
Sniper Rifle
Hunting Rifle
Trail Carbine Rifle
Riot Shotgun
Hunting Revolver
4 Pulse Mines
and 22 Pulse Grenades.

As it turns out, I can just run past though robots though, and right to House, where I don’t really need a whole lot to murder him. Huh. Guess I got all my big guns out for nothing. Oh well. Time to go see Yes Man at the Tops!

First I gotta knock some of these books of House’s shelf though….

Okay! To the Tops!

I walk in and am immediately greeted by one of the workers. Oh yeah, my guns that’s ri….


heh heh.

I am still carrying that huge pile of guns.

You guys put these in a safe right? Is it a big one? This is…I have a lot of stuff. Oh boy.

This is awkward.

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Pick of the Litter

Today I finally went to Vault 11. Rex was way enthusiastic about mauling those rats and mantises (mantisese?) and I was enthusiastic about throwing things on the floor. I eventually come to find that the vault would once a year send someone to die in a sacrifice to keep the vault from killing them. You access the overseer’s computer and take a tunnel under their desk to walk off and die. 

Naturally, I decide I need to try this.

Of course this where part of me thinks, god, I must be just a goddamn idiot. “PLEASE WALK DOWN THIS TUNNEL EXPLICITLY FOR THE PURPOSE OF DYING.” Yeah sure why not.

The real problem is that my constant state of drunkeness combined with all of my guns and stimpaks just makes me feel invulnerable. It’s why I often leap from cliffs that are actually too high to leap off, and why I don’t bother looking around for potential threats like…ever. I just walk into them. Oh whoops excuse me, bang bang bang. It’s almost weird that I prefer my sniper rifle over something like a baseball bat or bludgeoning club sort of thing. 

So I walk down this hallway, watch a little movie and then oh shit robots are trying to kill me. GOOD LORD ARE THEY EVER. “Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow,” I say as bullet after bullet is fired upon me. What the fuck man. 

I manage to kill them all and then stand there for a second, angry. JEESH. You were killing these sad little vault dwellers with like 5 goddamn robots and two turrets. Is that seriously necessary? Where’s the robot for cleaning all this fucking mess up? I think ONE of these robots could’ve handled some pathetic little unarmed vaulty. FUCK. I checked a room to the side and found some recordings of what happened in the vault. LIKE I CARE. Then checked all the robots and boxes for anything useful. Of course there was nothing I wanted in the room, so I angrily left, angrily stomped up the stairs, and angrily marched back outside. 

You suck, Vault. 

I now had all the stuff I needed to give to the Brotherhood of Steel guys, but man, giving it to them will probably just result in sending me on OTHER errands, so I decided to just wander the wasteland for a bit. Do my own thing, be my own person. All the women, independent, and all that. I knocked back a whiskey and swam to a scavenger platform in the middle of a lake. It was full of lakelurks that I killed and then dragged their bodies into the water. Gotta keep this platform clean. 

Then, I started throwing other stuff in the water, because I cannot help myself ever. It started with little things: bottles, plates, pots, the like. Eventually I ended up at tires and barrels being flung into the water. 

Then I found a stack of books and started throwing them in too, yelling “FISH! HERE IS A BOOK, FISH! LEARN TO READ, FISH! EDUCATE YOURSELF, FISH!” 

I checked.

And those fish were doing none of those things. 

Goddammit, fish.

Posted in Fallout: New Vegas | Leave a comment

Whiskey Business

Ugh, okay, what’s been going on. I found some irradiated whiskey in Camp Searchlight. I pondered taking it for some time, because of its status as “irradiated.” It occurred me that every goddamn thing I touch is irradiated and that for something to be actually marked as such at this point, then the irradiation must be at motherfuck you levels that require caution beyond my usual apprehensiveness (usually none.) Then the part of me that loves whiskey kicked in and I grabbed every bottle I could. And the scotch too. Gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme. And this irradiated Cram, because I might as well. 

Then, since V-Ron’s been following me around wearing my vintage armor (GODDAMMIT), I finally decided to go handle some of this shit with the Brotherhood of Steel. Well guess who needs some fucking errands run. Go check on this squad, go check on that squad. They’re all DEAD.

Oh and I had to go to that one Repconn building. With all the robots hovering around asking me if I need anything. Not that I could tell them if I DID. They just hover there.


Anyway, then go check this guy, go talk to that guy. What the fuck ever. Now will you pretty please go to some Vaults and get some stufffff for us? 

They need their filtration system fixed and thankfully I already picked up one of the parts when I was in Vault 34. I look and see that another part is in Vault 3 and that I had missed while killing all those fiends. So, back there I go.

Inside, I discovered the most wonderful thing. I missed not just those parts. But an entire WING of the vault. Hurray! I go inside and make with the murdering and uh, more murdering. And then I found a room ripe for throwing stuff around and making a mess. There were three boxes of billiard balls, two shelves of pool cues, a box of baseballs. All of which ended up on the floor, very quickly.

Then I tried to see how many of those boxes I could stack up. I got 5 in big stack, went for a 6th and the stack fell over. I yelled JENGA! and left the vault.

Afterwards I didn’t really want to go after the third thing, so I drank a bunch of whiskey and meandered a bit. I found a barn with an ant mound in it, and then discovered I could go INSIDE the ant mound. Well I almost threw up right there. That is fucking disgusting. Why did I do this, why did crawl inside an goddamn ant mound? Oh god I think their weird little webby shit is in my hair. *BLLLEEEEAAAAAAAAGHHHHHH*

Inside, I found a bunch of ants and an ant queen and I killed all of them even though I was the one breaking into their home and they really didn’t have much I want. THEY DESERVED DEATH.


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Heads Up!

You dumb wastelanders. You’re so dumb. So. So. Dumb.

When I agree to help you, right? Please, graciously accept my help. I know, I look crazy. I’m wearing a space suit and I have bright blue hair and now I’m wearing these glasses even though I don’t need them. But I was helpful and before you tried to kill me, you saw me murder in TWO SHOTS, a goddamn queen radscorpion. The thing was the size of a truck. And I absolutely destroyed it.

So, when you say to me thanks for your help, but I’m gonna kill you now…there’s no panic in me. There’s no fear. I just sigh. I roll my eyes, I pull out one of my favorite guns, and I shoot you. And then I take all your stuff. You should’ve just let it be, goddammit. 

I mean seriously.

I wandered around the Wastes for a bit until a golden gecko came at me. I shot it and its head went flying off. Then I decided, I’m not really sure why, to carry the head around out in front me. I yelled “I AM WOMAN WITH THE HEAD OF A GECKO. FEAR ME. I AM A FREAK OF NATURE. I AM NOT OF YOUR KIND. I SEEK ONLY TO DESTROY! ARRRRRARRRRARRRRARARARARGHHHHH!”

I finally decided to drop it but as soon as I did, Rex suddenly killed another gecko, so I decided it was a lucky gecko head and picked it back up. This time I carried it around with one hand, shooting at it with the other and screaming more crazy stuff. Suddenly I dropped it on accident and turned to pick it up when HO LORD A DEATHCLAW. I pulled out a bigger gun and shot at it. I got really excited for a second and ran over to it. Oh man, I thought, I’m gonna carry around a deathclaw head now instead. Unfortunately the deathclaw head was completely destroyed in the murdering, so I shot the body too and it burst into a mabillion pieces. 

Later in Freeside, I took a garbage can and kicked it like 6 blocks. Then realized I could pick it up. Then uh, then I accidentally dropped it on my face. It hurt a little. 

I took the garbage can then and stacked it on top of another garbage can. I felt very satisfied with myself. Like an artist. A sculptor. I stood on a car next to the cans then shot the cans over and yelled out to Freeside:


Then a King ran over and thanked me for helping out and gave me 17 caps. 

Uh, heh, thanks. 

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But You Say He’s Just a Fiend, Oh You Say He’s Just a Fiend

Having reacquainted myself with the Wasteland and reacquired my buddies and taken a moment to sleep with a prostitute and also taken some time to just fucking sleep, I decided that those fiends in Vault 3 had gotten a free pass from me for long enough. Plus my guns were in need of some exercise and I knew there were enough dudes down there for everyone to get a turn at some murdering. 

Before even entering the Vault, there were fiends outside trying to kill me. Hahaha, how quaint. I decided to let the hunting revolver (Revvy) go first and popped their heads off. Wooo! 

All right, to the Vault. I walked to the door and was reminded that, hey, you need to push a different button to open it. Fuckin…

I walk over the precious little button and push it. Inside it is fucking dark and I don’t see any fiends immediately. I turn on my light, and oh jesus there’s one right in front of me. Saying shit to me. Wha…Oh yeah! These fiends like me and for some reason don’t ever seem to notice me killing all those other fiends outside. I nod politely then turn around, open my Pimp Boy and check through all my guns. I find one, turn back around and BAM B-oh she’s dead. 

Ooooh fuck there were like three other fiends in this room.

I should really scout this shit out better.

Actually, never goddamn fucking mind because Veronica and Rex killed them already.


In the next area, I see some more fiends who for the moment, are not upset with. The fiends apparently have poor communications. I grab my shotgun Dinner Bell (Din Din for short, Rin Din Din if I’m feeling kooky), and go to town. 

I start searching through all their stuff, but seriously these guys have like the shittiest little pistols. It’s not even worth it to me to carry them out and sell them. Ooh but what’s this! A kitchen! And where there’s a kitchen, there’s refrigerators, and where there’s a refrigerator…there’s usually booze. 

And good lord, so much fucking Cram. (We be making Caravan Lunches late fo’ sho’)

Further into the Vault, I find living quarters where some fiends are sleeping and others look like they’re sleeping but appear to actually be dead. Because I guess they overdosed. Thankfully they all left their massive stashes behind. 

In one room was a cage with a bunch of prisoners in it. This…looked familiar. Oh…shit. I remembered now that when I was in the Vault before, I saw these guys and uh, jesus, I told them I would save them. Oh god that must’ve been months ago. Uh heh heh, hey guys. What’s up? You still wanna someone to save ya, yeah, I…I thought that might be the case. 

I find a key on a fiend I killed and run back to their cage. I unlock and apologize as they leave. Sorry, sorry…sorry that took so long. It…it didn’t show up as a quest guys, I don’t have the best attention span, I drink a lot. I’m really sorry. Here, please take this Dino Toy. On the house.

The Vault has a lot of crazy graffiti on the walls including one spot where it just said “duh.” As I admired their creativity (and wished I had spray paint so I could write “u suck” under it), another fiend come up behind me and started shooting. 


I reach in to my bag o’ guns and pull out Maria. She makes me feel special, and vengeful. I pop the fiend in the face and then walked over and just shot at their corpse a bit. 

I wandered around the Vault a bit longer, knocking things off shelves and trashing their little coffee pot area. And then decided I was ready to head back home.

In my apartment, I realized it had been ages since I jumped on the bed. So I did that for…oh, a while. Probably too long. 

Then I wandered around, just being happy with my place. I put all the pool balls in pockets. I carried a bunch of stuff from other rooms and dropped them in my bath tub. I used my plunger on the toilet for a while, giggling at it until finally putting the plunger in the bathtub too. 

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