But You Say He’s Just a Fiend, Oh You Say He’s Just a Fiend

Having reacquainted myself with the Wasteland and reacquired my buddies and taken a moment to sleep with a prostitute and also taken some time to just fucking sleep, I decided that those fiends in Vault 3 had gotten a free pass from me for long enough. Plus my guns were in need of some exercise and I knew there were enough dudes down there for everyone to get a turn at some murdering. 

Before even entering the Vault, there were fiends outside trying to kill me. Hahaha, how quaint. I decided to let the hunting revolver (Revvy) go first and popped their heads off. Wooo! 

All right, to the Vault. I walked to the door and was reminded that, hey, you need to push a different button to open it. Fuckin…

I walk over the precious little button and push it. Inside it is fucking dark and I don’t see any fiends immediately. I turn on my light, and oh jesus there’s one right in front of me. Saying shit to me. Wha…Oh yeah! These fiends like me and for some reason don’t ever seem to notice me killing all those other fiends outside. I nod politely then turn around, open my Pimp Boy and check through all my guns. I find one, turn back around and BAM B-oh she’s dead. 

Ooooh fuck there were like three other fiends in this room.

I should really scout this shit out better.

Actually, never goddamn fucking mind because Veronica and Rex killed them already.


In the next area, I see some more fiends who for the moment, are not upset with. The fiends apparently have poor communications. I grab my shotgun Dinner Bell (Din Din for short, Rin Din Din if I’m feeling kooky), and go to town. 

I start searching through all their stuff, but seriously these guys have like the shittiest little pistols. It’s not even worth it to me to carry them out and sell them. Ooh but what’s this! A kitchen! And where there’s a kitchen, there’s refrigerators, and where there’s a refrigerator…there’s usually booze. 

And good lord, so much fucking Cram. (We be making Caravan Lunches late fo’ sho’)

Further into the Vault, I find living quarters where some fiends are sleeping and others look like they’re sleeping but appear to actually be dead. Because I guess they overdosed. Thankfully they all left their massive stashes behind. 

In one room was a cage with a bunch of prisoners in it. This…looked familiar. Oh…shit. I remembered now that when I was in the Vault before, I saw these guys and uh, jesus, I told them I would save them. Oh god that must’ve been months ago. Uh heh heh, hey guys. What’s up? You still wanna someone to save ya, yeah, I…I thought that might be the case. 

I find a key on a fiend I killed and run back to their cage. I unlock and apologize as they leave. Sorry, sorry…sorry that took so long. It…it didn’t show up as a quest guys, I don’t have the best attention span, I drink a lot. I’m really sorry. Here, please take this Dino Toy. On the house.

The Vault has a lot of crazy graffiti on the walls including one spot where it just said “duh.” As I admired their creativity (and wished I had spray paint so I could write “u suck” under it), another fiend come up behind me and started shooting. 


I reach in to my bag o’ guns and pull out Maria. She makes me feel special, and vengeful. I pop the fiend in the face and then walked over and just shot at their corpse a bit. 

I wandered around the Vault a bit longer, knocking things off shelves and trashing their little coffee pot area. And then decided I was ready to head back home.

In my apartment, I realized it had been ages since I jumped on the bed. So I did that for…oh, a while. Probably too long. 

Then I wandered around, just being happy with my place. I put all the pool balls in pockets. I carried a bunch of stuff from other rooms and dropped them in my bath tub. I used my plunger on the toilet for a while, giggling at it until finally putting the plunger in the bathtub too. 

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