I woke up still determined to get that booze from the X-12 building, so I needed to get that force field bustin’ upgrade for my sonic gun thing first. I groggily checked my Pimp Boy to see where it was. Back in the same goddamn building I had been in earlier? What the fuck.

I angrily get the upgrade and have to kill a bunch of other shit and then finally get back to the X-12 building.

I walk inside and immediately my clothes tell me we’re fighting. Whoa what? Fighting? I realize that the horrible skeleton-in-a-suit thing is under the forcefield, standing on a platform and just STARING at me.

Just. Staring.

Uuuuuh. I have a drink of tequila and decide to go hide in the corner for a minute until the totally way too creepy skeleton decides to go stare at something else with its empty black holes that used to contain eyes. As I’m huddled in my corner though, out of the skeleton’s line of sight, I suddenly see him start to RISE SLOWLY THROUGH THE FORCE FIELD.


He comes up all the way through the force field and fuck it, I start shooting at him. He has some large gun that is hurtin’ me a lot, but I manage to hit a stimpak and get him dead.

The VERY second he died.

All of a sudden.


Three more goddamn skeletons just appeared right on fucking top of me and started shooting.


In a panic, I start shooting all of them and somehow manage to get them all killed even though as I shot the last one, I had a very real fear that as soon as he dropped dead, 5 more skeletons would appear. Or even worse, 9 more skeletons. There was A LOT of worry in that moment.

Thankfully nothing happened and I caught my breath for a moment. I finally shot through the force field with my new gun upgrade and headed into the rest of the building to look for my booze.

I found an apple labeled as “Fresh” but I seriously doubted its freshness given how long I know that forcefield has been there.

Then I turned that building fucking UPSIDE DOWN looking for that booze and it was NOT FUCKING THERE. What in the fuck.

The fucking ordeal I just went through, and where the fuck is the goddamn battle brew?

I am very upset. All of my prizes for all of my work keep turning into nothing but more ordeals.

I did manage to find three empty whiskey bottles somewhere though. So fuck this place, I finally say to myself. I go to my apartment and I make a bunch of Wasteland Tequila. I’m gonna get drunk tonight one way or another.

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Awww Sneak Sneak Motherfuckers!

I have most of the modules I need, but I find that I am missing the one for the tiny securitron-looking robot so I head out to get it. I approach a building and think it must be inside, but instead discover it sitting in the back of a truck. Whatever. I grab it and make my way back to my temporary home. I finally have all the uh…personalities installed in things, but it’s honestly a little unsettling. Some of them seem nice enough of sure, but I would say more than the acceptable amount seem to be saying overtly sexual things to me and frankly I’m a little worried about getting violated while I sleep. This garden thing keeps talking about how much seed it has and the light switches are being just weird and and goddamn, I need a drink.

I down one of my homemade tequilas and check the time. It’s mid-afternoon, which means it’ll be dark by the time I got much of anywhere and wandering out there in the dark is kind of annoying…I buy some primer and powder from the store thing, and sit down at the reloading bench. I need more .308 ammo for my hunting rifle.

I go and talk to the little robot, Mugsy who is super excited about coffee mugs. I give him the one I accidentally picked up earlier and he flips out, but also turns it into three empty syringes via some sort of robot sorcery. I go fill them with drugs to make a few stimpaks. That was pretty nice I guess, but he seems to be MOBILE and therefore the most likely to get all HANDSY when I go to sleep. The thought of my oncoming unsafe slumber consumes my every thought. Well not for that long.

I check the time again and it’s only like 4 in the afternoon still. Goddammit. I place a piece of tape over my bottom (this is an old trick I remember, if it’s been moved when I wake up, well then I’ll know!).

I go to sleep for 16 hours and head out early the next day to get started on the first of whatever it was those robots wanted me to get.

I head to the X-13 facility and inside find some sweet gloves, some sweet boots, and a sweet chest plate! The three pieces someone turn into one sweet stealth suit! I put it on and head down to the testing area to try it out.

As I’m walking around in this suit, I hear it suddenly start talking to me. I crouch and it reminds me that my Pimp-Boy (it still calls it a Pip-Boy) light is on. Huh. And then it…then it asks me if I like it. Oh jesus. Look, clothing. I have enough stuff in my house that is creepin’ on me, I don’t need this from you too okay?

But yes, I do like you.

Yes I’ll sleep in you.

Yes, the light switch is gonna watch even though I don’t want it to.

Yes I love you more than the light switch now can we please just get on with this test?

Inside the testing area, I’m instructed to steal some documents from a safe without getting detected by the robots inside. I start the test and open a door. I scurry around a bunch of robots, but I am the stealthiest goddamn drunk and I make it to the safe pretty easily. Soon as I grab the thing out of it though, I get told that 1. My reward is in the reward safe! Awesome! 2. Robot scorpions are attacking. Fuck!

I kill all the scorpions and desperately find my way back to the reward safe. PLEASE BE GOOD SHIT PLEASE BE GOOD SHIT.

10 energy cells and a La Fantoma?

…the fuck is this shit? God fucking dammit!

I shoot my gun at whatever is nearby and head up some stairs to see if I can find something else to make this whole trip worthwhile.  There’s a few nuka-colas and some chem sets that I use to make a bunch of psycho, and mentats and shit.

Then I find some info some terminals. One guy was making something “Battle Brew” and although I usually stick to hard liquors or things that Cass makes with a fission battery, the name caught my eye and I wanted it. I read more terminals and found it was stowed in the X-12 storage room.

I had my prize in mind and I left to go retrieve.

As soon as I exited the building though, I was greeted by three roboscorpions. Goddammit dude, more of these things? Learn a new trick! I backed away from them and the building and ended up backing right into a pack of five Nightstalkers. They began attacking the scorpions and it was a big fuckfest of growling and lasers until everything but me was dead.

I hurried to building X-12 only to find that a force field kept me from entering more than one room of it. MOTHERFUCKER!


I made a note to get the force field disrupting shit NEXT and headed back to my creepy apartment to get drunk and fall asleep in my talking clothes.


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Hold Me Closer, Tiny Deathclaw

I flipped through my pimp boy at all the tasks the weird floaty brain scientist things had given me to help them fight the other scientist guy. None of them seemed to jump out at me as something I wanted to do right away. What did see was the task of getting modules for all the cool robots that are apparently around my new living quarters. Yes. This is IMPORTANT. If I have to stay here, it needs to be in comfort. And for it to be in comfort, I need that toaster to work properly.

I head outside finally. It seems relatively quiet for the moment, but haha, here comes a crazy looking fucker shooting at me. Awesome. I kill him and check out what he’s carrying. He’s got these freaky looking goggles that I think are kinda rad looking but they make me stupider or something and I take enough of a INT hit from being drunk constantly already so I pass on ’em.

I find the first few modules in some buildings while fighting these weirdos around here and some robo-scorpions and and then find a door into a large building so I head inside as another module is supposed to be in there.

Inside the large building are several houses and in the middle is a water fountain. I pick a bunch of bottle caps out of the fountain, wondering to myself why people who didn’t use caps as money were treating caps as money.

I head into the house that has the module I’m looking for and am slightly weirded out by the piles of electronics in it. I go back outside and decide to see what’s in a different house. Inside are a bunch of teddy bears posed and cameras sitting around and fuckton of Mentats which I love but goddamn this is weird and I’m kinda thinking fuck these houses and I’ll just get on with my life.

I decide to try one more though. I walk inside and turn to my right and I swear I could hear angels singing because there in all its glory was a FULL BAR. Oh my god fuck that apartment I want to move in here! I rush over it to it, practically weeping with joy. The taps don’t seem to work, but oh god there is booze everywhere behind it. Wine, beer…vodka, scotch…and WHISKEY. SWEET WHISKEY LET ME HOLD YOU.

The glorious bounty of booze I found in that house gave me the strength and hope I needed to check out the rest of them but alas none of the others contained anything even as close to as wonderful as that. One house had a basement with a locked door, which I picked open. When something is locked, opening it usually leads to something awesome or something horrifying and unsettling so it’s always this gamble. This was an especially high gamble as the lock was extra hard and I needed to read a magazine quick to figure out how I do it…

And then naturally, when I got down there, I wished I hadn’t as it was all just empty cages of blood and horror and what the fuck happened down here. I drink more booze and head back upstairs and outside.

I wander around this weird large building for a little longer, trying to find anything I may have missed when I see a small shack behind one of houses. Huh, it kinda looks like a doghouse. I walk over to it and out of it comes a tiny deathclaw! Oh my gosh! It’s kinda cute eve-OH GOD IT’S HITTING ME. OH FUCK THAT HURT. THAT HURT A LOT.


I run away muttering “what the fuck what the fuck” to myself while I stimpak up and flick through my guns. I grab the All-American, hit some Psycho, some Jet, a few other chems…what’s one more addiction after all, I’m already back to my old alcoholism habit. I start pumping rounds into this surprisingly durable little fuck until he finally dies.

What the shit was that about.

I glance around see a whole row of xander root which I pick up but sigh that there’s no broc flower because I could sooo make a bunch of stimpaks with all the empty syringes I’ve been picking up too. And then I turn and see, haha! An empty whiskey bottle! Sweet, gonna make Wasteland Tequila.

Oh wait, what’s near that bottle? A whole row of broc flower! I guess that’s pretty cool too!

I leave this building, giving it the finger on the way out and head back to my new living space. A bunch of my stuff is working now and my light switches are hitting on me, I think. It’s kind of uncomfortable. I have the auto-doc cure all my addictions, which he does for free. And he doesn’t even scold me or tell me not to come back with a bunch more tomorrow, because that is pretty much guaranteed to happen. I love you Auto-Doc.

Finally I plop down on my bed and sleep for several hours.

I’ll do stuff those guys actually wanted me to do tomorrow.

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Where is My Mind?

Back in the Mojave, I headed to that NCR outpost that Cass hangs out at and asked if she wanted to kick it with me again for a bit. Of course she agreed, and I handed her some of my extra bottles of whiskey and let her try some of this “Wasteland Tequila” I’d been making, and also I’ve been experimenting making toilet wine with mutfruit if you want to try some of that.

We hang out for a while, shoot a bunch of dudes, and I take the time to buy up all the .308 ammo in town and all surrounding towns and then primer and lead to make more .308 ammo and then wait a couple days and do it all again. Finally I decide that we should head to this drive-in theater and check out the mysterious signal or whatever it is I’m supposed to be so interested in.

I arrive in the middle of the day to find a crashed satellite and go over to it. It tells me to come back later. You think you’re real funny, huh, satellite? Fine. I wait til midnight and try again. Suddenly I get a PREMONITION that I am going to be taken somewhere and won’t be able to come back for a while and that I can bring all my stuff and after I finish there I can go back there and it was pretty long detailed premonition, really.

Suddenly after my novel of a psychic reading, I black out, watch a slide show and wake up in a tower or something. I am covered in scars and wearing a hospital gown so this is pretty much par for the course when it comes to my excursions. At least the last terrible trip resulted in me having a new booze I could make. Somehow I doubt this will have a recipe for Wasteland Spiced Rum but I’ll keep me eye out, I guess.

As a breeze flaps at the back of my gown, I check to see if all of my stuff was taken from me like it usually is when I’m kidnapped, only to find suprisingly that this time it wasn’t! Hey! Awesome! I get the fuck out of this gown and back into my combat armor, drink a much needed whiskey, and then find an elevator.

It drops me off in some place with lots of rooms, a bed, a kitchen, and all kinds of things that tell me they need other stuff to actually work. I take what I can and look around some more. I see two doors.


Uuuuuuh, BIG MT seems to be triggering a part of my brain that just adds all the letters it needs to say “BIG MISTAKE” so I head to the THINK TANK instead. As I enter, apparently a “feeling of pacification” comes over and I am unable to draw my weapon.

Then some talking robot, brain in a jar thing starts talking to me. Or at me. More…more AT me, really. As it talks it keeps saying something about scooping my brains out but uh..but I’m totally alive so um…haha, uh, clarification on that last bit there please? No? I…

The robot talks to well, itself but there seems to be several personalities within it. Then some other voice comes through on a screen and is threatening them, I’m really not clear because this shit is CRAZY, but well, I’m not surprised when my help is needed.

Yes, I will gladly help if I could just get clarification one on teensy weensy little detail here that you seemed to keep glossing over.

My brain.

What’s the uh, what’s the deal with my brain?

They confirm that it has been removed and replaced with mechanical…stuff. It doesn’t stop there though, nope. They removed my heart too. Aaaand my spine.

Well. Awesome. Can’t say I’m REAL pleased about this.

I think about the whiskey I drank a bit earlier. Oh no.

Am I drunk now? Can I still get drink, oh god, oh no, if I can’t get drunk anymore, I don’t know what I’ll do!

After leaving the Think Tank with a list of tasks to take care of I finally get a chance to check my Pimp Boy and see if I still have the will to live.

I am pleased to find that I am currently drunk. PHEWFTA.

Shortly thereafter, the whiskey wore off and I was even more pleased to find that not only had I been drunk, I am also suffering from an alcohol addiction.

Everything is as it should be.


Posted in Fallout: New Vegas | Leave a comment

He Was A-Salt-ed.

These people, in this place, my god. Everytime they start talking about their history or anything, my eyes just totally glaze over. And now they want me to make a decision about what to do when I honestly haven’t paid attention to any of their arguments? I need you guys to just outline your arguments and I need you to go SLOW and you need to leave out any references to a Father or a Lord or anything. I am wasted. I really just wanna go back to my bed at the Lucky 38.

I decide for the moment to just waste more time by checking out this cave. I wander around inside killing more of these horrible plant monsters that I have had just about enough of. Finally I’m pretty bored of the place, and decide to go back outside. As soon as I exit the cave I am greeted by one, two, count ’em it’s THREE GIANT YAO GUAI! FUCK!

I shoot them all in the head, and down a bottle of scotch. Jesus H! Wakin’ C you check that shit? Goddamn! As I’m catching my breath, WC decides now would be a good time for chitchat, and tells me that I would’ve liked her family, and wishes I’d been able to meet them. Oooh, Wakin’. I ain’t exactly a “people person.” Maybe you’ve picked up on this, I tend to shoot, I would say, the vast majority of the ones that I meet. Is your family perhaps bottles of tequila? Because THEN…then I might LOVE them. Otherwise it’s probably just for the best that they aren’t here.

I finally have had just enough of this place and enough of these people. I find Daniel and Joshua. After a short talk with Joshua about how much it must suck getting set on fire, I tell Daniel we’re doing it Joshua’s way and killing everything and goddammit you guys stop saying Lord and shit, it really does grate on me. Me and Joshua apparently have to walk from this camp all the way to other camp where we’re gonna meet a some Dead Horses and Sorrows people to help us fight.  Whatever.

This walk takes forever because I am terrible at navigating this annoying moutain-y land and whenever I end up on top of something and I don’t want to be on anymore, I have a bad habit of just jumping down. Look. It usually works! Sometimes I lose half my health. WHATEVER.

Finally we get to the camp, except I accidentally killed someone on our side because I snipe people from way too far away. Uh, whoops. Some of the White Legs in this camp are already dead from earlier assault, but as we wade into a bit of water, a giant explosion sends a bunch of rocks tumbling down to block the path. Welp, I quit. Let’s go find Daniel and just move the people inste-oh Joshua is talking to me.

He says this is taking to long and he’s gonna find another way around and then takes off running. Wha…but? Why don’t I just come with you? I mean I still need to find another way around too right? How many other ways around could there be, we might as well just stick together.

But he was already gone.

I grope around in the dark for a bit and eventually find my way to a cave that pops me out on the other side of the rocks that had been blocking us. Also something was fuckin’ UP with that cave, because every person I shot in there would burst and their body parts and guns would fly clear across the room in a way I had never quite witnessed before. If there had been a continual supply of guys to kill, I might’ve just stayed in that cave all day.

On the other side, I find some more White Legs to kill and run into a few more of the people on my side. One walks way up this hill towards a camp so I follow her only to find that there is just fucking NOTHING in this camp and I need to turn around and go back down. I manage to not shoot her for this.

I continue along the stream for what seems like forever until I finally reach Joshua and Salty Wounds.  Joshua’s got two other White Legs on their knees next to Saltwater Taffy and he shoots them. Salty starts yelling at me and asking me to get Joshua to stop. I’m like eh, get up and fight him. I’m pretty sure this is what we came here for, right? Killing all you guys?

So Salt dude JUMPS UP AND CHARGES AT ME! Goddammit no! I wanted you to fight Joshua, while I watched over you like some sort of Roman emperor. He wants to fight me though, so I shoot him and then look over to see that another White Legs apparently charged Joshua and set him on fire. He is fully on fire now. And now he is talking to me.

This. This is awkward.

He thanks me for the help and I try not to say anything about all the fire all over him.

A slideshow informs me of what everyone does after this, and I am suddenly back at the Southern Passage in front of a footlocker. Everyone’s stuff is inside of it. I guess they decided I would need it more than they would. I don’t really need any of it, but I take it all anyways.


I’m finding Cass, we’re gonna make Moonshine and tequila until we cannot fucking walk.

Posted in Fallout: New Vegas | Leave a comment

They Should Find Someone Else If They Want Stuff Done FAST.

Oh, I am far too excited about making Wasteland Tequila. I wanna make Wasteland Every Type of Alcohol. Where is all the rum? Where is all the gin? I want everything! I immediately check what I need to make it. FUCK I NEED WHISKEY BOTTLES. I check the campsite I am at and find a few right there. I make as much Wasteland Tequila as I can, and then check what I need again because I already forgot.

I need to find more agave fruit and more bottles. Back to looking around, I find lots of agave immediately but the bottles are hard to come by. I know I’ve got all this stuff to take to this guy at some other camp, but making this booze is PRIORITY A NUMBER ONE right now.

I do not care at all about anything else. I visit every campsite I can find, and go back to the fishing lodge, until I have several empty whiskey bottles and make a veritable bounty of tequila. Then, of course, I have to drink a bunch of it.

And some whiskey.

Totally plastered, I decide to finally go to this other camp.

As I approach, some lady named Walking Cloud runs over to me.

“WHAT’S YOUR DEAL?” I manage to ask her. She explains that she’s the tribe’s midwife and she also has a giant bear claw and not the delicious kind but the scary kind! She points me towards some dude named Daniel, and I show him all the sweet supplies I got for ’em.

He’s super happy, and then explains that if they are going to leave this incredibly dismal place for somewhere that I’m sure is equally as dismal, they need someone to do some scouting first and take care of some traps the White Legs set and blah blah, I AM ZONING OUT, PLEASE JUST PIN A NOTE TO MY CHEST AND GIVE ME AN ANNOYING PERSON TO TAG ALONG.

I tell Follows-Chalk to go follow some chalk instead of me and I grab Walking Cloud instead. C’mon woman. We’re gonna go do some stuff.

This list includes killing some White Legs, taking care of some yao guai, finding a map, and disarming some traps. I groan a bit to myself and head towards the White Legs first because I love killing them.

Perched high on some mountain-y thing, I pull out my sniper rifle and shoot a bunch of them one at a time. I giggle as the survivors panic for a bit, but can’t figure out where I am and eventually decide to just go back to standing around and then OH NO ANOTHER ONE OF US IS DEAD.


Walking Cloud is not laughing nearly as hard as I am. I don’t know what her problem is.

After a bit, I think they’re all dead, so we walk down there and I start searching all their sacks and JACKPOT a bunch of them have ALL of the ingredients to make Trail Mix. And I found more bottles to make tequila in! TO A CAMPFIRE!

After doing that and taking care of the rest of the ridiculously easy tasks, I decide to wander around a bit. Every time I stop for more than a few seconds, Walking Cloud starts in with the “I don’t like to linger here” business. WE’RE JUST AT A CAMPGROUND. THERE’S NOTHING HERE.

I didn’t really wanna go talk to Daniel or Joshua or whoever at the moment, so I headed down a section of map I hadn’t explored yet. It was dark out and I began walking down a stream. Walking Cloud then informs me that this stream leads to the White Legs base.

oh really?


I continue walking down it despite her protests that we not linger and that my god let’s turn back please what are we doing.

Ya know what, maybe shut up because they are all asleep except this one dude and my gun is super quiet.

I climb up a small hill and aim at a White Leg on the edge of the camp. POW. He falls over dead and I giggle to myself. Two more are sleeping and didn’t even hear my gun. I aim at a second one and POW HE’S DEAD TOO. One more shot. POW. HAHAHA.

I wander a bit deeper into the White Legs camp stealing a bunch of supplies and fuck yes, more whiskey. Finally Walking Cloud’s pestering convinces me that we should leave. I’m sure the rest of these assholes will be quite surprised in the morning to wake up and find three people dead in their camp.



Posted in Fallout: New Vegas | Leave a comment

Tequila Makes Her GO FUCKING NUTSO

Full of booze and feeling a little better, I start again towards this camp that Follows whatever wants me to go to. We wander through a bunch of standing water that he informs me is full of bear traps. Really dude? I still get to blindly lead the way to the place I’ve never been and the path is full of bear traps? REALLY?

We finally make to camp, where I head into a cave and find a guy wrapped in bandages, cleaning a never-ending pile of .45 pistols. His name, it turns out is Joshua Graham, aka that guy I wasn’t supposed to mention to anyone. He is ALSO the Burned Man or whatever. So okay, the two guys I wasn’t supposed to mention is actually just one guy and everyone just knows him because here is hanging out?

I try not to let him see how upset and annoyed I am when I start talking to him.

I tell him what happened to my caravan, and he says he can get me a map to let me get back home. Frankly I don’t know why I need a map. As long as there’s booze, I might as well just be a goddamn drifter. Oh but all my cool stuff. Sure, there’s that, but there’s probably more cool stuff I could find, and for all I know, I had even COOLER stuff back wherever I lived before Benny shot me in the head. I might’ve had THE COOLEST stuff then. Can someone give me a map to get back there?

I shrug and agree to help dude here, because I have just really nothing else to do. He gives me a few places to go and find things for his buddy Daniel who is at a completely different camp. Oh, and I can take Follows Chalk with me! Fucking hurray.

Our first stop is a wrecked school bus to find a compass. Guys, I have a compass on my Pip Boy. I have one, right here. Whatever. I find it, and a whooooole bunch of lunch boxes. OH YES. SOMEONE IS MAKING CARAVAN LUNCHES LATER. (The someone is me.)

Follows-My Ass is really excited to be going out and exploring all this stuff, but dude is starting to annoy me.


Next we go to an old fishing lodge to get something that I don’t remember because oh my god yes this place has booze. I clean out their old fridge, old gun cabinet, old anything that had liqour in it. PRAISE THE MAKER(of booze) THERE IS BOOZE TO BE HAD HERE.

Finally we go to some old market to get some lunch boxes even though I have a bunch of lunch boxes already. I guess this guy needs very specific ones? Whatever, I pick them all up quickly and then start stacking the large number of boxes sitting around, in an attempt to build a fort. After I get a shitty box stack, I fill the fort with old teddy bears and pat myself on the back for a job well done.

I am then excited to find that store has ALL THE INGREDIENTS for my Caravan Lunches! Fuck yes! Cram, Insta-Mash, Pork and Beans, fuck yes fuck yes fuck yes.

Not really giving a fuck about getting this stuff to the guy who wanted it right away, I instead head right for a campfire. I gotta cook some lunches, bitches.

At the campfire though, I suddenly am greeted with a new recipe.

Wasteland Tequila.





Posted in Fallout: New Vegas | Leave a comment

Can My Tribal Name Be Angry Drunk?

Back in the godawful Mojave, I decide hey, you know what I haven’t done in a while? Left here for a substantial amount of time. I check my Pimp Boy 3000000000 and see that there’s some caravan headin’ out soon and they need another person or something. I go upstairs and pick out what guns to bring on the trip, and make sure I’m carrying enough whiskey and then head to the Northern Passage.

I start chattin’ up this Jed fellow who tells me so much stuff that I am so terrible at keeping track of, good lord. We’re going to Zion, or New Canaan, or …New Canaan is IN Zion? I don’t even, just gimme something to shoot okay? Don’t have me be navigator. Jed tells me I can’t bring V-Ron or Rex so I tell them to go wait for me at the Lucky 38. Maybe clean up while you’re there. Wait, here’s some caps. Go refill my booze fridge.  Then Jed tells me I can only bring 75 pounds of stuff with me. Uh, fuck you, I carry shit all the time everywhere. Oh okay 100 pounds then. I glare at him. Goddammit.

YOU GUYS WAIT UP I’LL WALK BACK TO THE 38 WITH YOU. I gotta re-pick which guns to bring on this stupid trip.

After some quick decision making (this gun…or all of my whiskey? leave some doctor’s bags and repair kits. I don’t need all this WATER. Who needs to stay hydrated in the desert…okay 20 bottles of whiskey, guns, all set) I head back to the cave where those guys are waiting for me.

I talk to a couple other of the people going on this expedition, including a guy in a vault suit with a pip boy that he obviously doesn’t know how to use. I ask him if he maybe noticed that I TOO have a pip boy. Except it says PIMP BOY and is gold plated and covered in diamonds, how the fuck could someone NOT notice this thing? I tell this guy to leave I guess and he runs away. *shrug* Not even sure why I did that, I think I was hoping he would start crying or something.

Jed mentions before we leave that I should not mention “Joshua Graham” or “The Burned Man” to anyone there. Arrrgh. Why’d you even tell me this? Now that is the only thing I want to do. If you had never told me this, I wouldn’t even know those names and would have DEFINITELY not mentioned them. Now they are in my head! Now they will get mentioned at first available chance!

We leave, and I guess I just sit back and watch a slide show for this whole trip while Jed tells me a story. This is the most caps I have ever made for doing what is practically nothing.  Finally the show is over and we are by some canyon with a bridge. I can’t move my legs, and Jed and this other chick are talking. legs. I can’t move…my legs what the oh there they go. We continue walking when all of a sudden tribals jump out and kill everyone in my caravan except me.


I loot all the dead bodies around me and then look around. I ummm, I guess I’ll go home? How do I get home? I don’t know how to get home because I was too busy WATCHING A SLIDE SHOW. What the fuck. Instead I kill two more tribals and cross a bridge when some friendly guy comes running over to me. He says I should go talk to some guy. *shrug* Okay.

I don’t know, can I just…go back that way? I don’t know why I am continuing whatever the caravan was up to. I don’t even know really what it was! I didn’t save that information anywhere!

This dude is named Follows-Chalk, but now he’s following me back to HIS camp. I start wandering off in the wrong direction and he’s like “I thought we were going to this other place.”

Well then why don’t YOU lead the goddamn way? I don’t know if you REMEMBER, but I’ve never BEEN HERE. I pull out Maria and fire angrily into the air a few times, down a bottle of whiskey, and a Salisbury steak. Look how mad you made me. You made me so mad I had to hork down a steak.

As if Follows Me wasn’t already making me angry, now he tells me to check in that hollow log for anything. So I do.

Xander root and some bullet casings.


That is so helpful. Tell me, is the next hollow log gonna be even better? Or is that one gonna have a mutated giant black widow spider that just crawls out and bites me on the face?

Now where the hell is your camp? I’m stealing something from there to make up for your stupidity.



Posted in Fallout: New Vegas | 2 Comments

I Banged Your Mothership

We continue our journey through parts of the ship, with me haphazardly doing whatever and hoping that eventually a door will look like the correct one to go through. This method has yet to fail me, so I will stick with it forever.

Finally I end up on the bridge of the spaceship, where the alien captain is sitting in his chair while a bunch of other aliens hang out around him. I shoot him in the head and it goes flying the fuck off. I pop the heads off his alien buddies and begin celebrating my victory. Now, which button to go home…

I run around on the empty bridge looking for something I can activate, when the rest of my companions are suddenly on the bridge with me, and the samurai dude is back too! Good for him, wherever he was! They’re in awe of me and my amazing skills. Or…maybe in awe of the bridge of the spaceship. I like to pretend it’s because of me though. Good ol’ me! I’m the best!

Suddenly they all run to separate  parts of the bridge and Sally says something about aiming the death ray and what is going on? Everyone else is so much better at suddenly knowing what’s happening. I realize then that there is another alien ship out there attacking the one we are on.

For. Fucking. Real?

Sally says to push the button to fire the death ray at it. But umm…I thought I…didn’t I break it? I went down there and pushed a bunch of buttons to break it. I was pretty sure I’d broken it. I push the button in front of me and the death ray fires at the alien ship. Hmmm.

I wonder what I broke then.

A bunch of aliens storm the bridge and we fight them off and I fire the death ray some more. Finally the other ship…blows up? I don’t remember seeing it blow up, maybe it just left. At any rate, we won!

Sally congratulates me and then tells me there’s a way to get back to the Capital Wasteland  in the captain’s quarters. Thank fucking god. Sorry but I’m sick of this damn spaceship and sick of these stupid aliens. Bah! To all of you, I say. Bah!

I go look for the teleporter thing. Is this the Captain’s…no this room is super tiny. In here? Yeah here it is. Wow these are shitty quarters. Um, okay, I’ll see you guys later! I’m gonna go see if I can find someone who wants to buy all these “alien crystals.” SUCKERSSSSSS.

I beam back down to earth where, holy shit, Fawkes is still in this crater waiting for me! Fawkes! Fawkes! I’m back! Hurray!

We head back to Megaton and I sleep for 24 hours. Drink a whiskey. Go back to sleep.

No leave me alone.

We’ll go bug the purifier guy in the morning.

Some morning.

I don’t know which, I’m gonna sleep for….a while.

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I ask Sally for some details on this space walk, but forget to pay attention when I notice that there is more wasteland-y shit around up here. Ammo, frag mines, a toaster, a bottlecap mine, some apples. I start to get excited, because that means there MIGHT be booze, but alas, there was not. I grab the apples and the ammo and check yet again with Sally what the rest of her crazy ass plan was.

She tells me to put on the dead astronaut’s space suit and then go through this chamber to the outside of the ship. Uuuh okay. I start to look around for the dead astronaut, and am a little annoyed that I can’t remember what I did with that body. I remember…hiding it because it was dead and I was trying to make things a little more pleasant up here, or something. Where did I….where did I hide him at? I think…HARD. Oh wait. I’m pretty sure he was naked when I hid him. I check my inventory. Oh! Ha! I already have a spacesuit. I put it on and head into the decompression chamber, but can’t help but notice that the suit doesn’t seem to cover the uh…tips of my fingers. I’m no scientist, but I think that might suck later? Right? I cross my uncovered fingers and head into the decompression chamber. I see a button to push and as I am about to activate it, I suddenly hear Sally reminding to put the spacesuit on. I am suddenly filled with self-doubt. I was pretty sure I had put it on. I check. Yeah, it’s on.  Is there…do I need more parts to it? It seems to be covering my face and stuff. New gloves? I don’t know.

I’m a little nervous as I hit the decompression button, but everything seems to go fine. I walk out the door on the other side of the room, thinking I’ll be in space, but it’s just more hallway. I wander a few more hallways and finally find my way to the outside of the spaceship.




What was I supposed to do now? Hey! Some things I can push. That seems like a good place to start. My breathing is super loud in this helmet, and I am hoping to be done out here soon and back inside. After some stuff pushing, I see a light in the middle of the saucer or whatever. I run over to it and start floating up to I guess, more spaceship.

Inside, I activate some stuff to get the rest of my crew with me. We’re on the observation deck looking down at the shitty, dirty planet. Shit, that place is gah-ross. And yet, I miss it so.

I’m ready to keep moving, but some big alien hologram head shows up and yells some stuff in alien.


I quickly stop paying attention when the whole ship suddenly shakes. Fuck, did I miss something cool again? I ask Somah, who tells me that she thinks the aliens are mad, and now there’s a death ray I need to disable. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu-

All right, I’ll go do that. I find a room with 4 generators and some more buttons. I start pushing all of them. I can see the death ray through some glass or something and figure out that this one button makes it move back and forth. Neat. What’s this button do?

It uh

It fires it.

Okay um. I think that just shot off into space. It’ll probably hit an asteroid or something, right? Right?

I find a way to destroy all the generators and then start just going through whatever door is open to me. These aliens really shouldn’t put so many buttons around. I hit every single one.

“What’s this one do? Oh it releases all of those horrible creatures you were experimenting on and they kill you and now they’re coming after me. GOOD JOB ME!”

I find one button that beams a brahmin up from, I guess, someone’s herd down on earth? As soon as it appears, a robot shoots it. I push the button again, thinking I might get something different this time, but instead the same thing happens. Brahmin, robot, dead brahmin. I push the button a third time. Surely this must do something else…

Nope, dead brahmin again. Huh. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on you still. Fool me some more, look it’s not hard to get me to push buttons; that doesn’t even count as fooling.

In the next area, I find some alien workers and some umm, really gross body parts stuff and things that appear to be for the purpose of cutting up people. Um, ew. I glare at the alien workers, and shoot one of them. Karma frowns on me and I drink a bottle of whiskey and give karma the finger. You fucking know what, karma. You fucker. These alien workers are part of the fucking problem. I don’t give two shits if they are weak and unarmed. They are in a room with dead human parts everywhere and that is all the permission I fucking need to shoot them. They are cogs in the system that is abducting people and doing horrible things to them, and when I smash a system goddammit, I smash the entire thing.

They knew what they were getting into when they signed up for this shit. It’s not like I’m flying this spaceship to some alien town and killing all the alien civilians. These are workers on board a ship. And not the fucking janitors, no, they obviously know what the shit is going on.



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