Hey there folks! It’s me, Reddy S. Gogh, here with drunken news from the Capital Wasteland.
The other day, me and my mutie pal Fawkes noticed that sitting around our house is 160 Nuka-Grenades and something needed to be done with them. I grabbed as many as I could pile on my person and we went a-wandering for things to kill. We found some Overlords and some Raiders and left behind us a trail of fire and death and empty whiskey bottles.
Then I got stuck in a rock for a few minutes.
I finally got out and we found a couple albino radscorpions and a deathclaw and then what the…
Wow sure is radioactive down here. I’m gonna look around for stuff to whoa hey what the fuck
A blue light surrounded me and suddenly I couldn’t do anything. Fawkes! Faaaawwkes! Take care of Dogmeat for me!
I SURE AM GETTING GOOD RADIO RECEPTION STILL!
I’LL BE BACK FAWKES!
I black out for a bit and wake up with fucking aliens hovering over me! And some weird probe-y shit coming at me. Oh god what the fuck. Not the butt, not the butt….
I cringe as the close in, and then black out once more.
I wake up again later in a room with this lady, Somah. I try to ask her what’s going on but most of what she tells me I already know: aliens, nothing else. Then…then she says they took all my clothes. Ummm, what?
I look down.
Oh for fuck’s sake! I’m in my undies! My armor! My hat! My lucky shades!
Goddammit, I could use a dri-oh yeah, they took all my booze too. Motherfuckers. Where the fuck is all my shit! I had good shit! Give me all my grenades back! I angrily stomp around this tiny room for a bit, while Somah cooks up some retarded escape plan. Then she yells something like “it’s coming! Get up against the wall!”
So I run to one corner of the room and stand there, confused, while I hear some metal grinding and then a guy screaming and then some other weird noises. I ask Somah what that was.
“Haven’t you ever seen a guy picked up by a giant metal claw before!?”
Um, no. And I still haven’t because you told me to hide. So I did. I didn’t stand there and watch it. Is that what YOU did? I THOUGHT WE WERE HIDING! I wanted to see it! Make it come back! Goddamn you woman!
She says that we should pretend to fight so the aliens will come break us up and then we can jump them and escape. Ah yes, let’s…pretend to fight. Somah puts up her dukes and takes a swing at me and I excitedly punch her in the head several times until aliens show up and I punch them to death with my fists! It felt good, but deep down I was missing me guns. I grab one of the batons the aliens were using and head to the next room.
Pants. If I can just get a pair of damn pants. And the presumed shoes that would be attached to them. It’s just…these short things I have on are so breezy.
More aliens run at me and I scream and kill them! ARRRARRRGH! Leave me alone! I WANT CLOTHES!
As I run around the spaceship with Somah, who seriously has on like four shirts she can’t even bother to share with me, I finally find some weird alien container that I thankfully figure out how to open. And inside is all of my stuff! My stuff! Precious stuff! I dig it all out and hug each gun, and every bullet, and every grenade, and every bottle of whiskey while Somah tells me to hurry some more. Shut up women, don’t interrupt this tearful reunion. You’re not my friend! WHISKEY IS! WHISKEY IS!
I drink a bunch of whiskey and pass out and wake up in that room again.
Hahah, no, we keep escaping.