Back in the godawful Mojave, I decide hey, you know what I haven’t done in a while? Left here for a substantial amount of time. I check my Pimp Boy 3000000000 and see that there’s some caravan headin’ out soon and they need another person or something. I go upstairs and pick out what guns to bring on the trip, and make sure I’m carrying enough whiskey and then head to the Northern Passage.
I start chattin’ up this Jed fellow who tells me so much stuff that I am so terrible at keeping track of, good lord. We’re going to Zion, or New Canaan, or …New Canaan is IN Zion? I don’t even, just gimme something to shoot okay? Don’t have me be navigator. Jed tells me I can’t bring V-Ron or Rex so I tell them to go wait for me at the Lucky 38. Maybe clean up while you’re there. Wait, here’s some caps. Go refill my booze fridge. Then Jed tells me I can only bring 75 pounds of stuff with me. Uh, fuck you, I carry shit all the time everywhere. Oh okay 100 pounds then. I glare at him. Goddammit.
YOU GUYS WAIT UP I’LL WALK BACK TO THE 38 WITH YOU. I gotta re-pick which guns to bring on this stupid trip.
After some quick decision making (this gun…or all of my whiskey? leave some doctor’s bags and repair kits. I don’t need all this WATER. Who needs to stay hydrated in the desert…okay 20 bottles of whiskey, guns, all set) I head back to the cave where those guys are waiting for me.
I talk to a couple other of the people going on this expedition, including a guy in a vault suit with a pip boy that he obviously doesn’t know how to use. I ask him if he maybe noticed that I TOO have a pip boy. Except it says PIMP BOY and is gold plated and covered in diamonds, how the fuck could someone NOT notice this thing? I tell this guy to leave I guess and he runs away. *shrug* Not even sure why I did that, I think I was hoping he would start crying or something.
Jed mentions before we leave that I should not mention “Joshua Graham” or “The Burned Man” to anyone there. Arrrgh. Why’d you even tell me this? Now that is the only thing I want to do. If you had never told me this, I wouldn’t even know those names and would have DEFINITELY not mentioned them. Now they are in my head! Now they will get mentioned at first available chance!
We leave, and I guess I just sit back and watch a slide show for this whole trip while Jed tells me a story. This is the most caps I have ever made for doing what is practically nothing. Finally the show is over and we are by some canyon with a bridge. I can’t move my legs, and Jed and this other chick are talking. I..my legs. I can’t move…my legs what the oh there they go. We continue walking when all of a sudden tribals jump out and kill everyone in my caravan except me.
I loot all the dead bodies around me and then look around. I ummm, I guess I’ll go home? How do I get home? I don’t know how to get home because I was too busy WATCHING A SLIDE SHOW. What the fuck. Instead I kill two more tribals and cross a bridge when some friendly guy comes running over to me. He says I should go talk to some guy. *shrug* Okay.
I don’t know, can I just…go back that way? I don’t know why I am continuing whatever the caravan was up to. I don’t even know really what it was! I didn’t save that information anywhere!
This dude is named Follows-Chalk, but now he’s following me back to HIS camp. I start wandering off in the wrong direction and he’s like “I thought we were going to this other place.”
Well then why don’t YOU lead the goddamn way? I don’t know if you REMEMBER, but I’ve never BEEN HERE. I pull out Maria and fire angrily into the air a few times, down a bottle of whiskey, and a Salisbury steak. Look how mad you made me. You made me so mad I had to hork down a steak.
As if Follows Me wasn’t already making me angry, now he tells me to check in that hollow log for anything. So I do.
Xander root and some bullet casings.
That is so helpful. Tell me, is the next hollow log gonna be even better? Or is that one gonna have a mutated giant black widow spider that just crawls out and bites me on the face?
Now where the hell is your camp? I’m stealing something from there to make up for your stupidity.