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Well, getting the luck implant and the naughty nightwear really turned things around at the casinos for me as I am now banned from all of them. I didn’t get any free drinks in the Ultra-Luxe at all while I was winning though. Is this a bug? Or is it that dead guy on the floor that’s supposed to be bringing them to me?

And for the record, I did not kill that guy. I don’t know WHAT happened.

I finally went and talked to Mr. House again, who immediately demanded I give him in the Platinum Chip. He got all like pissy at me when I refused at first and then fucking called me names! You want to piss me off, that’s a good place to start. Officially going to murder him. Call me a primate what the fuck, at least I can LEAVE THE FUCKING BUILDING you piece of shit.

Then he makes me go watch as he upgrades his robots or whatever and I’m like really? Missile launchers? The machine gun and laser wasn’t enough to keep Joe Gambler in line you think you need fucking missile launchers? Fucking overkill much buddy?

And for the record, I will still kick that robot’s ass.

Also, I threw all the books off your shelves. They are in a huge pile on the floor now. That’s right, your fucking World Book Encyclopedia? It’s allllll out of order.

And this table you had set? It’s not set anymore. Who the fuck are you setting a table for anyways, you ain’t got no friends and your robots don’t eat food.

Gonna. Murder. You.

So, yes, I have decided to go for an independent New Vegas, by which I mean I will hopefully be the only one left alive.

Also I shot that Crimson Caravan bitch for Cass and now the NCR thinks I’m a Soft-Hearted Devil instead of Unpredictable. Maybe they’ll stop telling me to pick a side now.

The other day a local in Freeside walked up to me to tell me something about someone being in the Lucky 38, gosh who could it be. IT’S ME. IT’S FUCKING ME. I HAVE BRIGHT BLUE HAIR I AM VERY DISTINCT LOOKING. Anyways, this local was filthy. She was just covered in dirt. I pulled up my pimp boy and dropped a box of detergent at her feet, but she walked away without even considering my makeover offer. Fuck you too lady.

Then I went to Gomorrah for a bit and tried dropping stacks of pre-war money on the prostitutes but they seemed unimpressed.

Today my plan is to get some clothes and an implant to up my luck. I am so sick of losing with 6 luck. It is the worst kind of losing. I get 19, dealer gets 20. I get 20, dealer gets 21.

I GET 21.

THE DEALER ALSO GETS 21. AAAUUUUGH.

FUCK YOUR CARDS FUCK YOUR CHIPS FUCK YOU ALL

I WILL INCREASE MY LUCK COME BACK AND DESTROY EVERYONE IN THIS GODDAMN CASINO.

I’m hanging with the Khans. I’m not entirely sure I love them because of how violent they seem, but I’ve never seen them crucify people so that’s a big plus. They’re thinking of allying with Caesar’s people though and I need some evidence that Caesar is an asshole to convince them not to. I guess all the DEMONSTRABLE BEHAVIOR isn’t enough. He wants me to get his book that is where? In Caesar’s tent. Fuck.

I can’t even get near it because they all hate me so much. I tried disguising myself and the dogs find me, and everyone in his tent immediately makes with the murdering and I tried a stealth boy but the same thing happened, so finally I decided my only option was the GUNS ABLAZING one.

I loaded up on ammo and chems, grabbed Cass and Rex, and hopped on the boat to the Fort. And then uh…killed everyone. Mostly with my most glorious sniper rifle. (ALL HAIL SNIPER RIFLE)

I walked into Caesar’s tent and BAM ONE SHOT RIGHT IN THE BRAIN. WAPOW.

After all was said and done, I looted all the bodies and tried to tell the slaves there to GO HOME, but they wouldn’t. They just said “excuse me.” I opened the gate for the Brahmin and yelled “RUN BRAHMIN! BE FREE! ROAM THE WILDERNESS.” But alas, even his spirit had been crushed.

I went to Freeside next and was jumped by a thug. Cass shot him and I spent a while trying to prop his body up on a bench all Weekend at Bernie’s style. By the time I had him sufficiently posed, ANOTHER thug comes at me. And while in the middle of making him look like he just fell asleep on a pile of rubble? Another thug! I hid him in a bus stop and hurried to go about my business before more dead bodies showed up.

To relieve the stress of the day, I went to visit Santiago at the Atomic Wrangler and as we got our groove on, Cass suddenly says.

“Be careful if we go off the road.”

Haha uh, okay! Not really on a road here!

I spent most of yesterday hanging out in Gomorrah. It’s probably my least favorite casino on the strip honestly because everyone there just tells me to fuck off constantly. Though I hate the Ultra-Luxe too…maybe Gomorrah wins out just for the abundance of prostitutes.

These prostitutes by the way, love to tell me how “tasty” I look. And that if they weren’t working, they would show me a good time. You’re a prostitute. Showing me a good time is your work. Then a gambler mentions that things are alllll stirred up on the Strip lately and did I hear? Someone’s been inside the Lucky 38! Also, did Benny beg for it when you offed him? Huuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrgh I’M LEAVING.

I went upstairs to where there are lots of pool tables and decided to waste time there. I took one of the triangles and a bunch of balls and tried to rack them but it didn’t work so I threw them on the floor and jumped up and down on them for a while. Then I took the triangles from all the tables and try to arrange them in a tessellation on one table but that was taking too long so I climbed on the table and jumped up and down on them. Then I threw everything in the room on the floor, punched a few shot glasses and empty whiskey bottles and finally decided to get on with the mission I was half-assedly doing.

I go check on the Camden or Clamden or Clanden or whatever the fuck his name is and find out, of course, he’s killing hookers. I did something and he got mad and I murdered him. As I left the room, I shut the door and told the guard outside that everyone was, naturally, quite fine.

After finishing the mission, I was doing some more meandering in the hotel when I found the dude’s hooker killing room. I open the door and…out walks a hooker. I try to talk to her, but instead get a prompt to examine the body. Uuuh okay?

“THIS HOOKER WAS MURDERED BY BEING STRANGLED YO”

Whaaaaaa? She’s…alive though she’s looking right at me. She’s…telling Rex that’s not what they mean by doggy style. Now she’s looking at me. Oh god, hide.

I hide behind Cass. The hooker keeps staring at me. Go away Ghost Hooker. Go awaaaaaaaay.

Whiskey time.

Aaaaaaah she’s walking over here.

“You look tasty.”

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I headed up north to see the Boomers yesterday, and after like two days of doing little favors for them, I am IDOLIZED there.

The NCR though? Now I’m “Unpredictable.” Fuck you too NCR. I’m not unpredictable! It is easy to predict that if you all start trying to shoot at me, I am going to shoot you back. That is very fucking predictable.

I have killed huge deathclaws for you. Gathered medical supplies, healed wounded soldiers, brought back dog tags and legion ears, killed Fiends, disarmed a bomb on your fucking monorail, and helped fight off all the legion at Nelson. And you’re like, oh we don’t know if we like because you also seem to have a fucking spine when we are cocks to you. Well guess what I don’t like you either and the things neatly lined up on your shelves shall pay.

The Boomers? They fucking LOOOOOVE me. What did I even have to do for that? I killed a few ants, no problem. I did some going back and forth to get two lovebirds hooked up. I found a little girl’s goddamn teddy bear. I got fame just for talking to those kids and being all super charismatic.

I didn’t have to…take on an entire enemy camp for them. I was just fucking helpful and they were like Ooooooh man you are the best!

So fuck you NCR I am not helping with anything, I am moving into the barracks here and never leaving.

Oh also, I was in that schoolhouse with boomer kids at like 11 pm on a Tuesday and the teacher was nowhere to be found. What the fuck. I tried to substitute teach, but the kids wouldn’t even stay in their seats and shut up for like 10 fucking seconds so I jumped on the teacher’s desk, kicked everything off it, threw all the books off the shelves, and then left. PUBLIC EDUCATION IS BROKEN.

Oh Sniper Rifle.

Have my deadly armor-piercing bullet-babies that will fire out of you and into the sides of deathclaws who are not even aware of our presence, and then collapse to the ground in a slumped heap.

Oh Sniper Rifle.

You cost me mad crazy caps and to mod you cost even more but I regret not a single cap. Deathclaws do not frighten me now for you will keep me safe.

Oh Sniper Rifle.

Fuck those Deathclaws so hard. Fuck them. So. Hard.

Oh Sniper Rifle.

I am going to all the shops and buying .308 ammo and things to make more .308 ammo and things to make more weapon repair kits for I shall keep you shiny until the day I die of old age or of falling off something totally way too high that I was like “I can so make this jump” at even though I couldn’t, because with you next to me I will never be killed by any of the horrible monsters of the wastes.

Oh Sniper Rifle.

I love you.

I visited Michael Angelo’s shop and as he whined about his lack of inspiration, I offered to take pictures of Wasteland for him, since his pansy-ass is too pansy to go out there itself. He gives me a sweet “Codac” camera and I immediately point it at Cass and ED-E who are perfectly posed for a picture. I zoom in and Cass says to me,

“Don’t point that thing at me.”

..but, but…picture? You guys look so great!

I…

I took the picture quick and hoped Cass wouldn’t be upset with me.

Later as we wandered the countryside, I took a picture of something cool I saw. From behind me I hear Cass again

“Waste of ammo.”

It’s not a waste of ammo! It’s…well it’s film first of all, but it’s not a waste! These are our memories dammit! I’m gonna cherish these forever Cass! What the hell!

Now go stand next to that giant radscorpion you shot. SMILE!

Today I killed the Van Graffs. Then took their bodies and piled them up in the dumpster outside their shop. It took forever because of all the limbs that had fallen off, but goddammit I did it. I’m not gonna have those bodies rotting in the street, scaring customers away from the Atomic Wrangler after I worked so hard to get them a bunch of prostitutes.

Then I wandered over to Novac and into that tent they have outside. A Novac settler stood around in there as I threw all of the glasses and plates off the tables and counters and jumped up and down on them yelling “PAY ATTENTION TO ME! PAY ATTENTION TO ME! PAY ATTENTION TO ME!”

I picked

so

fucking

much

prickly pear.

FUCK YES.

It was an excellent day, yes.