It’s the Pitts.

(Fallout 3 story from the The Pitt DLC)

To put it lightly, everyone in the Pitt immediately pissed me off. The slavers/raiders for being assholes, the slaves for being annoying. I would’ve just left immediately and gone back to the Wasteland, but I wanted to get at that ammo press and turn every bit of ammo I had into .44 and .308 ammo for my beloved Victory Rifle and its little buddy, Blackhawk. I’m doing this for you, guns!

I get there, I disguise myself as a slave and the dude at the front gate takes all my guns. I can only imagine the shock they must feel when they see how much artillery I am carrying around on me. If I kill a guy and he has more than one gun or more than 50 caps, I’m like FUCKING JACKPOT! I must’ve been there for hours, just putting guns and grenades and bullets and chems on the table. Don’t you fuckers break these, they’re very important to me. Don’t drink my whiskey either, just hold on to it til I come back and murder everyone.

I eventually get to the point where I’m gonna do some arena battles I guess and win my freedom. They gave me some shit guns and I’m like, whatever. Every battle lasted approximately 8 seconds as I walked into the arena, VATS, and shot the heads off both the other dudes. “LET ME THE FUCK OUTTA HERE E’ERYONE’S DEAD.”

I get all my guns back and oh good people have requests for me. They want me to pick sides and shit. Oh the slaves want a cure for the weird whatever thing sure fine that’s great. I get sent to talk to the Slaver bigwig dude. On the way I’m walking up through a large catwalk with various raiders that I would stop and talk to and then write their name on a sheet of paper titled “KILL LATER.”

“oh nice to meet you…O-Dog. Yes yes, I’m sure you’re very condescending. Lucky for me that pisses me off a lot. I will put you on the kill list. It is much longer than the don’t kill list because that list is empty.”

One chick, Vikia had a sniper rifle. And with the condition of my current rifle not being ABSOLUTELY PERFECT, I made a special note of where she was. As she tried to shoot some cans from not very far away at all, I talked to her and she was ALSO very condescending and rude! Excellent! I shot all her cans myself, and grinned as I left. She would be QUITE fun to kill and loot later!

Finally I get to wherever I was going, and make for the room that supposedly contains this “cure.” The cure is…a baby.


Yes, I think I can do this. I mean as long as I ain’t keeping it, I’m just fencing it. I will totally steal a baby then.

I grab the kid and I guess Bjorn it to my torso, and took off running back out of the building. And lucky fucking me! All the raiders I had been listing to kill were upset me! Woohoo! I run down the ramps and catwalks, killing everyone and using the baby to absorb many a bullet. I lobbed nuka grenades into rooms and oh when I got to Vikia, yesssss it was glorious.

I kept running until I got to a point where I seemed unable to get…down to the goddamn ground. I was just running in a fucking circle, shooting raiders that were coming out of who the fuck knows where, looking at the ground below. Then I decided, as I often do, fuck it, I can jump that.

I hit a med-x, got a running start and leapt off the catwalk, yelling


We survived the fall and I sold the baby for a cool…oh, access to the ammo thing, I guess that’s what I wanted.

Stupid baby.

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