jordynnolz.com

Here is a sonnet that my friend Niall wrote for me about my adventures in The Pitt. It is awesome. Please enjoy it.

In ragged garments, as a slave would dress,
I yielded all my weapons at the gate
“This better be one sweet-ass ammo press”
I vowed, “or else I’ll scourge The Pitt with hate.”
They handed me a worn out, rented gun
and made me play their stupid death-match sport
I blew each fighter’s brain out, one by one,
To make it clear I’m not the fuck-with sort.
And when I sought to cure the sickened slaves
The key component was a baby’s life!
I snatched the tot, dodged countless bullet waves
and closed the deal before I drew new strife
Homicide, in balance, is a trifle,
when it yields more ammo for your rifle.

So where was I? Oh yeah, going back to Desmond’s. As I approach his mansion, the fucking thing EXPLODES! Motherfucker! I was gonna chill there later after I murdered everything. Fuck! I look around a bit and find a door to a panic room. I get sufficiently panicked and then open it.

Desmond is inside, of course. And thank god, I don’t want no EXPLODING HOUSE to kill him. I WANT TO DO IT. Oh hey Des, I did that thing, yeah sure, you’re mad about your house and don’t care. He says he’s gonna just go kill that brain! What?! Why didn’t we just do that in the fucking first place! I fucking hate you!

I follow him to a lighthouse and he leads me down some secret tunnels, past a bunch of turrets and rooms with guns that aren’t nearly awesome enough for all this bullshit, and finally into a room with a fucking brain in a jar. The Brain and Desmond both bitch at each other for a bit and then wait for me to do something.

KILL HIM

NO KILL THE BRAIN

NO KILL HIM

NO THE BRAAAINNN

NOOOOOO

I stare at them both for a while, looking from one to the other and back to the first and back again, and back to the other. Desmond, Brain, Desmond, Brain.

I think, I might not get another shot at shooting this Brain. I’ll kill it right now. Hold on a sec. I check through all my guns. Who…gets to kill this Brain. Ah, Blackhawk! I aim, and POW POW POW.

FUCK YOU BRAIN!

Desmond thanks me for killing something he was standing right next to while also holding a gun, and I say haha, sure thing dude. He tells me he’s gonna go do something which isn’t fucking himself, and I tell him he should try the fucking himself instead. As he turns to leave, I reach into my inventory and pull out the biggest fucking nuka-grenade I can find.

HAVE I GOT A SURPRISE FOR YOU!

I lob the grenade and his ghoul body bursts into a million pieces. I laugh and laugh and jump up and down on the bits of blue flaming ghoul flesh shouting FUCK YOU OLD MAN HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I steal everything he had and triumphantly make my way back to the surface.

Now, for those tribals.

I head to their stupid little fucking church and murder every last one of them. They don’t have a single decent thing to steal though, so I just yell FUCK YOU! and leave.

All of my problems solved, and feeling a little nostalgic for that scribe at the purifier, and Fawkes’s helpful reminders, I head towards the boat that’ll take me back to the Capital Wasteland or as I have come to know it during this ordeal “THE PLACE THAT IS A BILLION FUCKING TIMES BETTER THAN THIS SHITHOLE.”

I get to the boat and, what the…it’s Nadine! She’s running the boat? What happened to what’s his face who was kind of a dick? Nadine tells me he’s locked in his cabin. Huh, why’s that?

And then Nadine tells me the most interesting of tidbits!

Mr. Tobar Boatman is the fucker that CUT THE PIECE OUT OF MY BRAIN.

I head into the room, to murder him. Fucking duh.

He says he, I dunno, loves cutting out brains or something and that I shouldn’t be too hard on him because I totally murder lots of people!

You’re right, I do totally murder lots of people.

And then, I murdered him. Right in his stupid mustache.

On his shelf, I find that piece of brain he took out of me. I guess I’ll take it. I can put it on a shelf next to my heart-shaped bed, under the sex lamp where Fawkes and my robot watch me sleep.

That’s not weird right?

Let me make one thing clear, real quick. At this point of this series of quests, I really have no idea why I keep going. I hate Desmond, I hate these tribals, Nadine is okay, but who cares. I can’t even remember why Desmond sent me here in the first place.

Oh yeah, figure out why the Tribals are attacking him. Why do I care? I don’t think I do. Maybe a part of me is secretly hoping there will be a giant gun somewhere to introduce to all my gun friends back in Megaton. There won’t be. Maybe I’m hoping I will find more people who deserve death. That…that will happen.

Nadine tells me that the head tribal guy goes to pray at some secret place or something, so I go tell this to Desmond. I want to tell him that he can do the rest of this shit himself and just shoot me a Pip-Boy Message when you need someone shot and when you’re done so I can shoot you.

No, instead he wants ME to follow the tribal guy. Desmond is the most unappreciative asshole ever. Every thing I do for him he just doesn’t care, it’s aaaaaaaaalllllll about Desmond’s problems.

In some cave, this tribal guy is praying to holographic brain. Somehow the brain sees me and wants me to come have a chitty chat with it. Oh this oughta be good, you want a favor too don’t you? The Brain tells me that Desmond is “restricting his broadcast signal” and I should destroy the device he’s using so he can broadcast farther. Yeah, I really want that. I hate Desmond sure, but you are a holographic brain telling me you would like to BROADCAST TO PEOPLE. I do not trust you!

I make some excuse about needing to leave like “Oh I just thought of something.” I head back to Desmond to tell him what I found and ask him if he knows what’s up with there being a holographic brain in a cave in the middle of fucking nowhere.

He tells, with some fucking bitchy cheerios-pissed-in attitude, that the brain is Professor Calvert, of the Calvert family that Desmond hates and who hate him back. He says this like I should already know. No, Desmond, I don’t get Holographic Brains And Their Stupid Grudges Weekly.

Desmond asks me to place a jammer on the big ferris wheel in town. I try to talk my way out of it. Uuuuh I’m scared of heights. He tells me I don’t need to go on it, just put something on the bottom and run the wheel til it’s on top. Dammit. Uuuuh, I’m scared of wheels? I’m uuuum, scared of you not doing this your fucking self? I don’t know, none of these seem to work, so off with the jammer I go.

As I approach the wheel, there is a goddamn VOICE IN MY HEAD. It’s that fucking brain! He’s telling me to the destroy the jammer! He wants to send thoughts into people’s heads! Come on! I super hate Brain right now, because I do not like voices in my fucking head. This jammer? It’s going to the top of that fucking wheel! Fuck you BRAIN!

Of course, like a million tribals attack me afterwards. I kill them all and steal their unsubstantial amount of clothing.

Then I return to Desmond with renewed drive, renewed purpose! Find out where that brain actually is…and then MURDER IT. AND MURDER DESMOND. AND MURDER ALL THE TRIBALS.

BURN THE WHOLE CITY TO THE GROUND.

(Except moonshine lady)

It’s safe to say that Desmond and I got off to a rough start. I showed up at a bad time in his life (guys in underwear were attacking him) and helped him out because everyone one else would’ve killed me immediately. Well, tried to. It was just easier to help Des, and they all seemed like dicks. But then Desmond decides the first thing he will do is to just ask me for MORE help. Look dude, I helped you once. If you don’t know where that chick is just say so and I will go about my business. But no, it’s the fuckin’ runaround.

He wants me to go some cathedral where the tribals are and “infiltrate them.” I guess I am the first person to ever show up at his house that could potentially sneak their way into a goddamn church. “Oh they won’t take just any recruit.” Uh yes you will, you’re a religion.

I go there and pretend like I’m really into their whole “being out of it, playing with fruits” thing and they HAPPILY INVITE ME IN. I’m told that to fully join them I need to go to some sacred fucking BOG and good lord, I will kill ALL of you soon.

I get to the bog and find some sacred plant and go to pick its seeds. Suddenly everything goes black and then I wake up and am seeing WEIRD SHIT. Oh what the hell, Reddy S. Gogh does not have time for fucking hallucinations. Giant bobbleheads are mocking me, as are the Nuka-Cola Quantums that explode every time I approach them.

See, I love Quantums because I love Nuka Grenades. The sight of one gives me tunnel vision and I dart immediately towards it with no regard to my surroundings whatsoever. If someone REALLY wanted to set a trap for me, they would just put a Quantum around and I would run to it gleefully. Or apparently you can also just ASK me to go something I don’t even actually want to do and I will follow the arrow on my map like a goddamn SHEEP.

THERE’S ANOTHER WAY TO TRAP ME. FUCK.

Anyway this hallucination, there’s dead bodies of people from DC and weird sawing and sewing and oh, the skeleton of my mom. Is my wasteland brain really this fucked up? I blame all the Jet and Buffout. NOT MY PRECIOUS WHISKEY THOUGH. IT GIVES ME MY POWER.

One of the bobbleheads reads, “Dead mother, life in a post-nuclear Wasteland and not a friend in it. Yeah, you aren’t exactly blessed.”

I stare at it.

Not a friend in it? Not a friend in it?

What about the bestest goddamn friend a person could wish for: Fawkes, the badass super mutant.

I have plenty of friends! Fawkes, Dogmeat, Gob, uuuh, Wadsworth, ummm, my dad who is dead…

Look, most of the people I meet are stupid.

I finally awake from my weird, apparently self-deprecating dream somewhere outside of the bog. My hat isn’t on anymore and I feel like shit I’m sure. Whiskey will cure this. I drink some. A bottle. Three bottles. And some vodka. Ooooh and I have bubblegum, that calms the nerves.

I head back to the church and find that not only is my hat off, but there’s a big ass scar on my head! BECAUSE SOME ASSHOLE CUT INTO IT. AND TOOK OUT SOME OF MY BRAIN.

Well, I almost burned down the building right then. But I felt it was important to find a way to get my hat back on and I feel now that they trust me and I should wait a little longer before gunning them down mercilessly. It seems like it would be…sweeter somehow that way.

In the church, I find Nadine who I guess is the girl I was looking for in the first place. She helps me out with the head thing and explains that she gave up looking for treasure and decided to just pick fruit with fuckheads instead. Good second choice, lady. You were fucking looking for treasure?

God why did I ever get on that boat?

TO BE CONTINUED YET AGAIN

I am going to write, for a while, about Point Lookout. It might take multiple entries. Two, maybe three. It might even take four of these goddamn things. This is because I went through entire area just ANGRY at every single person I encountered, save for two. Wait three. I forgot about the lady that’ll make moonshine for me.

Mmmm Moonshine.

One day while wandering the Capital Wasteland, I come across a lady near a boat. Oh help me find my daughter, she shrieks. She went somewhere, probably on that boat. I stare at her skeptically. Go on a boat, huh? On a river huh? Uuuuuh, well, I’d love to help find one person who left of their own accord, but I got this whole…purifying vast amounts of water for the Wasteland thing that I’m working on? But I tell you what, I’ll tuck this away on my little Pip-Boy here and get to it uh…laaaaater.

Sometime probably like MONTHS later, I’m scrolling through my quests and I see this thing about taking a boat and finding a girl and it sounds better than anything else I have left that I could possible do, and I already bothered that scribe at the purifier today, so…riverboat it is, I guess.

I give the guy on the boat some caps and he tells me to go take a nap. He also tells me that Fawkes can’t come along, which makes angry already because Fawkes is just a guy and he will definitely fit on that boat and I have enough caps for both of us. BRING MY FRIEND ASSHOLE. Alas, he would not.

I get to this horrible land that I am already disgusted by and this is after hanging out in the WASTELAND. This place is awful. Where can I get a shower? Oh I can’t. Oh right, I left all the purified water I swim around in back in the goddamn Capital Wasteland. Fucking shit.

Someone suggests I go check out this mansion because I have the look of a person who wants a mansion or wants to steal everything in a mansion. I get there and a ghoul in a suit is fighting with a bunch of dudes in hardly anything. I stare at all of them. I hope for a while that everyone will die in this fight. Ghoul in the suit prevails and introduces himself as Desmond. And I need to help him. Uuuuuuuh. I don’t know if–oh we’re going. We’re doing something already. Oh god more dudes are attacking what the fuck. Can I leave? This is…I want to leave.

Too late to leave now though, dudes are attacking! So I help Desmond defend his mansion, thinking maybe he’ll say less asshole-y things to me after I help him out. I don’t know WHY I think this; it never happens. People whose lives I have LITERALLY SAVED MYSELF are still assholes to me.

The tribals finally all dead and murdered and were mostly just carrying fucking punga fruit, so I go back to Desmond.

“Hey Des, I helped with this whole thing stuff so you’re welcome. Uh, I was looking for a chick, I think so it would be much appreciated if you could just point me in the ri-“
“YOU NEED TO GO ATTACK THOSE TRIBALS FOR ME”
“I uuuuuuh…”
“GOOOOO!”

I don’t like you.

TO BE CONTINUED