All right, all right, let’s do this Dead Money shit. I should be immediately cautious because DEAD is right there in the name, all bright and on display, but like everything else I do in the Wasteland, I charge in with little to no hesitation and then immediately regret it.
I find a radio station and, naturally decide to follow to a fucking drainage pipe, manhole…thing in the middle of fucking nowhere. I don’t know what kind of person I’ve become where I’m okay with crawling into whatever dirty hole I come across, but I guess it must’ve started somewhere around the time when irradiated water made showering normally an inconvenience.
I slide my greasy ass down the ladder with Veronica and Rex and right behind me. I find a room with some stairs leading to a door, and of course, a corpse. Finding a headless corpse would be a big TURN BACK sign to a normal person. But me? Fuck no. I’ve had 4 bottles of whiskey TODAY and I’m gonna check that corpse for money instead. Down the stairs we go!
The stairs lead to a hallway with a radio that I walk towards when I am suddenly knocked unconscious, which apparently caused Veronica and Rex to just fucking BAIL on me. Thanks guys! I will keep this in mind the next time you get knocked out.
A while later I wake up in a creepy red place with a projection of an old ugly dude staring at me. It’s Father Elijah. The fuck…VERONICA IT’S YOUR STUPID FRIEND. I DON’T THINK I LIKE HIM.
He tells me he has put a bomb collar around my neck, and that I gotta do a whole bunch of stuff for him. Also he took all my stuff. Well all my useful stuff. I still have this finger, and this snowglobe, and all these legion ears. Thanks dude. So how am I supposed to kill anything? You…MADE a gun. Great. And it doesn’t actually kill the things here. Even better. And it has hardly any ammo. AWESOME. You are doing a fucking bang up job of this.
Father Elijah explains to me that he’s got three other people wearing collars, and I need to go find them all. Oh and he doesn’t care if I die, because he’ll just find another person and put a collar on them. He explains that other people before me have tried and failed and he doesn’t care! Well do you give every person you kidnap this shitty ass gun? Do you take away all the awesome shit they’ve spent so much time collecting? Maybe if I had like even half of all my stimpaks, and any of my guns, I could do this dumb shit for you. It’s like telling a dog to the fetch the paper, but breaking one of its legs first. COME ON DOG. GET IT. WHAT’S THE MATTER DOES YOUR LEG HURT?
I tell the stupid old guy that fine. I will play his game. He will regret ever talking to me, but I will play along. For now.
Oh before I go…Father Elijah needs to tell me everything that can kill me.
Wait what?
1. My collar. Okay sure. Also everyone else’s collars. If they die, I will die. Uuuh. That seems useless, but, okay.
2. Ghosts. Wait there’s ghosts? Yes. And that gun I gave you can’t kill them. Figure something else out. I’m too busy being old and angry.
3. Traps. TRAPS TOO? Yeah there’s traps. Why are there traps? Just trying to keep it fun.
4. Radios. That’s right. Radios. I’m actually an idiot and I couldn’t keep the collars from exploding around radios so…I don’t know, figure that out too.
5. Security holograms. You can’t kill them.
6. The air.
…
THE FUCKING AIR? THE…THE FUCKING AIR?
WHAT ARE YOU FUCKING
THE. FUCKING. AIR?!
Where is my whis-
GODDAMMIT YOU TOOK ALL MY FUCKING WHISKEY TOO.