So where was I? Oh yeah, going back to Desmond’s. As I approach his mansion, the fucking thing EXPLODES! Motherfucker! I was gonna chill there later after I murdered everything. Fuck! I look around a bit and find a door to a panic room. I get sufficiently panicked and then open it.
Desmond is inside, of course. And thank god, I don’t want no EXPLODING HOUSE to kill him. I WANT TO DO IT. Oh hey Des, I did that thing, yeah sure, you’re mad about your house and don’t care. He says he’s gonna just go kill that brain! What?! Why didn’t we just do that in the fucking first place! I fucking hate you!
I follow him to a lighthouse and he leads me down some secret tunnels, past a bunch of turrets and rooms with guns that aren’t nearly awesome enough for all this bullshit, and finally into a room with a fucking brain in a jar. The Brain and Desmond both bitch at each other for a bit and then wait for me to do something.
KILL HIM
NO KILL THE BRAIN
NO KILL HIM
NO THE BRAAAINNN
NOOOOOO
I stare at them both for a while, looking from one to the other and back to the first and back again, and back to the other. Desmond, Brain, Desmond, Brain.
I think, I might not get another shot at shooting this Brain. I’ll kill it right now. Hold on a sec. I check through all my guns. Who…gets to kill this Brain. Ah, Blackhawk! I aim, and POW POW POW.
FUCK YOU BRAIN!
Desmond thanks me for killing something he was standing right next to while also holding a gun, and I say haha, sure thing dude. He tells me he’s gonna go do something which isn’t fucking himself, and I tell him he should try the fucking himself instead. As he turns to leave, I reach into my inventory and pull out the biggest fucking nuka-grenade I can find.
HAVE I GOT A SURPRISE FOR YOU!
I lob the grenade and his ghoul body bursts into a million pieces. I laugh and laugh and jump up and down on the bits of blue flaming ghoul flesh shouting FUCK YOU OLD MAN HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I steal everything he had and triumphantly make my way back to the surface.
Now, for those tribals.
I head to their stupid little fucking church and murder every last one of them. They don’t have a single decent thing to steal though, so I just yell FUCK YOU! and leave.
All of my problems solved, and feeling a little nostalgic for that scribe at the purifier, and Fawkes’s helpful reminders, I head towards the boat that’ll take me back to the Capital Wasteland or as I have come to know it during this ordeal “THE PLACE THAT IS A BILLION FUCKING TIMES BETTER THAN THIS SHITHOLE.”
I get to the boat and, what the…it’s Nadine! She’s running the boat? What happened to what’s his face who was kind of a dick? Nadine tells me he’s locked in his cabin. Huh, why’s that?
And then Nadine tells me the most interesting of tidbits!
Mr. Tobar Boatman is the fucker that CUT THE PIECE OUT OF MY BRAIN.
I head into the room, to murder him. Fucking duh.
He says he, I dunno, loves cutting out brains or something and that I shouldn’t be too hard on him because I totally murder lots of people!
You’re right, I do totally murder lots of people.
And then, I murdered him. Right in his stupid mustache.
On his shelf, I find that piece of brain he took out of me. I guess I’ll take it. I can put it on a shelf next to my heart-shaped bed, under the sex lamp where Fawkes and my robot watch me sleep.
That’s not weird right?